Inconvenience of Articles

I dislike Articles.
I'm rather inept in using Articles. I'm sure everybody has noticed so far.
There is no rule, and I don't have the sense of choosing correct articles.
Does Persian have the same problem as English in articles? Nothing would happen if the Englishmen eliminate these tiny useless words.

I'm looking for the power ..

Background

My mother's family had a maidservant (lale) whose name was Sakineh. I never saw her, she died before I was born. Grandma always used to say that whenever something was lost at home, Sakineh was the only one who could find it. After she died, mom and grandma always say prayers (Faatehe) for her when they lose something and instantly they find it. I learned from them, and I do the same. I've done this all the time since I was a little girl.

I don't have lots of properties but I love those that are really mine. Without them I feel I've lost something. I have a very thin gold necklace with the smallest golden anchor that can be made hanging on my chain. The chain is a love keepsake and I got the anchor from mom and it is so going with me. :)

Today, after shower, I was closing my necklace around my neck, and I was thinking that I have to give up this chain somehow, because it seems that I carry his memory everyday with me hanging around my neck. It keeps me connected to him. However, I did not do that. I probably haven't been strong enough.

One hour later, I found my chain disjointed, and my anchor was fallen. I felt extremely sad. Since my anchor was lost, I didn't care about the torn beloved chain. I was just wishing the anchor to be found. I searched every where in the house, no anchor. Suddenly, I remembered Sakineh, and I start to say prayers. After 1 minute, my roommate found my tiny anchor in the stairs.

Main statement

I'm looking for the power that makes things happen. Do my thoughts or my believes have any effect of that power? Sometimes, I feel that my thoughts are ahead of time or if it is not, I would say that my thoughts change the future. I have a strong belief that every thing that happens is connected to each other somehow. Nothing happens independently. I'm wondering of this power which I know that I'm a small unit of that.

Conclusion

Every night before sleep, I pray to God to help me to go through my problem. He (God) gave me the vision to see ways that I can get rid of him, and when he saw my weakness, he made it simple for me instantly.

Another way of looking is that the chain was going to be torn; I knew that ahead of time inside that's why I thought about giving it up. (What is TIME?)

I have had things that I lost and they have never been found but when I lost them I didn't remember that I can do prayers for Sakineh to find them, so, I knew that the anchor will be found that's why I remembered to say prayers (I'm ahead of time) or I didn't know it, but my prayers made it to be found.

Eating flowers

Tea
I asked him if I can try his tea, and he made a special one for Kimi. There were some green sweet-smelling leaves and 3 white pretty flowers in hot water. It wasn't a strong tea and I liked it. I was preparing myself to tell him it was a nice tea but just "Delam nemiyoomad golaye be oon khoshgeli ro bokhoram". I didn't know how I can say this sentence in English.

I can't bear to eat such beautiful flowers.. mm it seems it has negative load.

My heart can't take it to eat such... It is good, It is a little romantic.

How could you eat such.. ? A little aggressive

I felt like a cow when I was eating such beautiful flowers. Very rude

Finally, I didn't say anything, but he did say something unfortunately. He said: "Did you eat the flowers? (surprised) :o "

I felt embarrassed; I thanked God that I didn't say those stupid sentences.

Dilemma

Sometimes, it is difficult for me to understand some texts. I can't get the gist of them, and where they took their rise in. They are vague and too complicated for me to comprehend.

These are the possibilities:

Low self-confidence: I'm a shallow person; I am not able to understand deep subjects. Solution: Read more books and improve my comprehension ability.

Inevitable possibility: After years of studying engineering, I become a digital person. I just can feel and understand touchable and visible ideas. I'm blind to see all the colors, the only colors that I can recognize is Black and white. Solution: Communicate with people from other branch of science. Talk with them and ask for their perspective about different subjects;

Self-confident: A friend of mine is a poet. She says "new poems". I was reading her poem 10 times, and I didn't understand it. It was just beautiful words following each other with no meaning. I don't know Persian or those words really doesn't have meanings. I saw some people admired her. I believed that they didn't understand either, but they haven't been as honest as me. Neither was the poet; I bet. This can also be true for those texts that I don't understand. Solution : Stay honest and don't care if you don't understand something.

Selfish: I believe that the art is to write a complicated subject in the way that most people could understand, then why some people turn the bit around their neck to put in their mouth? If I don't understand it shows the weakness of writing. Solution: Ask them to explain you how it feels to say things with implication. Problem: What if they implied the answer either? ;)

Slur over: It doesn't matter you understand the same meaning that author was thinking about. The goal is to get something from every texts. Each person has his own point of view. Even if you don't understand anything it doesn't mean that this is meaningless; it means that you don't have common feeling with writer; that's all, and it is not a big deal.

3 comments

1) It was more than good; we danced about 3 hours continuously. It was so fun. I can't explain my feeling :)

2) One of my contacts disappeared from my yahoo messenger list. I'm sure I didn't delete it. How come? I know even if the owner ignores me the name will stay in my list but always offline.

3) I used to be a self-confident girl. I know that I had been a girl with good communication ability, and I would say that I had the power to arrange and gather bunch of people around me. Some of my friends always told me that you have to be a manager. Gradually, I lost my ability; I don't know why.
Sometimes, I think that being an active girl who talks a lot and make noises in every group, the one who makes people to notice her is the characteristic of a young immature girl. Since I'm already 25.5 It's obvious that I should not be like that.
Sometimes, I think this happened because I changed my communication language. I'm not able to say everything I want and to maintain my special verbal ability. However, this can not be completely true because I have been changed even with my Iranian friends.
Why I started to say that?
Some weeks ago I went to downtown with some of my friends. Mostly, I don't like to drink but that night I feel like to take some beers. I took just two and I was completely sober, yet I felt some changes in my behavior. I was looking at myself that I'm back to the girl I used to be. I was easily talking in English and Persian. I wasn't scared of saying something stupid. A feeling like It's me, It's Kimia and I'm proud of myself. No shame no low self-confidence anymore. I could present myself as I really am not as a recent shy girl. I liked myself.

Now, I can not drink always to be Kimia. I have to destroy the obstacles. First, I need to recognize them.

Giving presents to ourselves

Today, I'm in good mood with hope and energy. I can guess the reason is Formal dinner and dance which in tomorrow night. Although I wished I had a pair of shoes with heel, I'm still so waiting for tomorrow to come, and don't pass.
If I want to enjoy my working I should give myself presents and hope to have fun after work. Like the days that I have booked badminton court at night I work better. I have to think about things that make me feel good. Since I'm not enjoying studying I have to satisfy myself in other ways. One activity that I can think of is handicrafts. I can continue making things with wood. I have the chance to live in a house which is good equipped; It will be far better than Sweden without even a saw :) I have to start making my own models. I wished I had taken some pictures of previous models before giving them up :)
Any other idea of different activities are appreciated :)

Discharging

My heart was beating like drums of mourning group for Emam hossein. I felt It might come out of my chest. I'm sure my officemate was hearing easily. It took a few seconds for me to find myself back to the situation. He wrote: alo..
Finally we talked after 5 months.
I start to belittle him so badly and he was calm like always. Weak in conversation and he backed off quickly. I love the way he is;not because I win every discussions but because after any conversation I feel empty and he is like a God for me that accepts and listens to all my accusations and bad words and he never says bad words in return. It is just like he is watching a little crying girl and after she finished shouting he starts to caressing her, and then she forgot everything in a second. He has always been like this. He knows exactly how to manipulate me.
He is my man. He made a big big mistake this time.
Although he gave me enough time to destroy him but there are a few things that I didn't mentioned.

1) I want to tell him that I did want to leave you, but you haven't been strong enough to live without me. Once in the first year, I do exactly remember that we decided to separate and after one day (1 day) you came to me and asked me to delay. You said " I'm not ready for this now ".
Next time in fourth year I gathered all my strength to leave you. Although it was so hard for me I never broke our agreement but you have been such a weak boy that you came back again.
The last time that was a good chance for me it was the worst situation for you that I didn't want to be so cruel with you. Cause I left to a new place it was easier for me to move on but you were in the same place with all the memories and alone. So I decided to keep my relationship until better chance. I don't deny that I needed you either but I had proved to be stronger than you.
So please do not say that you did this to me because you thought that I will never leave you. Look what you did to me. It could not be worst than this.

2) You didn't say Thank you to me. You owe me a lot. I carried all the burden alone, without making any sound to disturb your fatal decision. I respected you more that anybody. Go search around the world find somebody who respects you this much, and let me know if you succeed.

3) I was reading your previous writings there was a post with the name of first recalcitrance against love. Just want to mention this is your second time and I'm seeing third is coming.. Take care ..

4) I do appreciate that you came to talk to me even though you knew that you will be condemned. It proved that you have a tiny brave heart.



I loved you last night. Now I believe in myself. I know What I mean when I say I love you. This is inside and it doesn't matter if you love me or not.

PS: I said yesterday that I'm ready to sell my soul to know what he feels; do you think if the Lord has taken my soul? I want my soul back ..

To my sister

Dorfak

Who has always been supportive for me.
Happy birthday

mona

He took my breath away

Chris de burghe

Have you ever experienced a fantastic and a disastrous night at the same time? Last night was my Dreamlike concert . First I was excited to see him; when he came I was astonished, moveless and almost dead. This was the fantastic part, very good feeling to see your dream came true. Once he started to sing I realized that I should have never come to this concert alone. I felt terrible. His voice took me to the world that I've been running away from for 5 months. His words awake my heart from my forgetfulness dream. The songs set the fire on again. What am I doing here? Where is he? What is this feeling? Why am I so burning? What tears us apart? I wanted him so badly; I wanted my days back so badly. Last night, I had the strength to scream out loud enough to reach to Netherlands to say I miss you, while he was singing " Carry me like a fire in your heart". Believe me something is wrong. This is not the way it is supposed to be. This is not what I deserved. I cried last night even more deeply than when I cried for grandma. I felt my heart is pressed. I couldn't breathe. I was about sobbing. I couldn't help it.

I know something, every time that I feel so terrible and helpless it's like I'm losing a skin of my body. I'll have a bad time with lots of tears but after I feel lighter. It's like I've lost a layer of his love. I'm wondering how many layers does this have and how long it will take to get over. It tires me.

If tomorrow comes, something which does not exist now will be 6 years old. Should I celebrate? Should I mourn? I sell my soul to know what he feels. It's hard to live with a big question, why this happened to us? Do you believe in magic? I believed ..

PS: Long and boring; I know. You don't need to comment on this.

Grillage test

I thought it's just in Iran that they do nothing and they think they have done something. They show off that they are doing something important but if you go a little inside you'll find that there is no logic for input data, the instrument are not working properly, the operator doesn't know how to work with software, the output data format is unknown for everybody, the tolerances are bigger than the units they are dealing with, the results are rough. They conclude their own opinion instead of experiment result. Why this much money, time and energy is being used??? Nobody knows, nobody think about that as long as they are paid. Like me.

Grandma

Mamani

We call her mamani.
She gave me a certain and intense love; a love without stint and expectation, without excuse and reason;nothing could ever threat it.
She prayed for me until I got what I wanted
She taught me how to know time
She taught me how to keep my expenses
She taught me how to do a job perfect
She taught me how to cook Kaakaa
She taught me how to be strong, how to keep secrets to avoid hurting the others.
She used to say I am so pretty
She was open minded
She knew what is valuable in life
She did not teach me how to express my appreciation to her
She did not teach me how to see how much I need her in this world

But now being without her taught me how to express my appreciation to my parents, and thank god for every second of their good health.

Compliment to girls

He gives me compliments continuously. First he said your hair is so curly; have you done this to your hair or it's natural? I said no it's natural and I hate this; he said I think it's nice.
Then, one day I had a girly shirt on(in contrast with all my clothes which are simple), he said vow you look so pretty today. Next one, we were having lunch in common kitchen, he said you eat so elegant( he should see me when I was eating chicken leg using my hands the other day). After that, one day surprisingly he said your eyes is big and beautiful( surprised cause my eyes are not so big but he must have compared with Chinese eyes;)

Finally, I'm going to social dance party with him.

I'm not a silly girl who just likes to hear compliment, I know what I'm doing but it's true that I have lost my selfconfidence so badly during last 4 months. He gives me confidence.
I seems he knows how to deal with girls, but he has no idea who he is dealing with this time.

Ask from mirror

It is my third time that I start to write a letter to Jumbo to ask a question and suddenly when I was writing I found my answer. This is really a good way; when you force yourself to write your question and explain it in the best way for somebody, you will realize that you know your answer but you have not just noticed.
The worst thing is that when you ask for an appointment with your supervisor and once you are explaining your problem you will understand the answer plus the stupidity of your question.

If you have a problem, explain it to mirror once, before you make a fool of yourself.

English

I'm taking an English course but just for writing. We write essays, and she corrects. I had 61 mistakes in 347 words. It is terrible. I can not write even one correct sentence. I was talking with my friends and my landlady easily, and they understood, and I thought, hey here we go, I'm so good. Now, I know they have just understood, but all must have been wrong understandable sentences. This is embarrassing. ( Is that correct?? :o )