Notice

I'm not a touchy-feely girl. It means I don't touch anybody without reason, and I hate to be touched. Keep your distance. How can I explain this to people? Is it very rude to say to a kind boy who just want to dance with you, and take care of you for some hours to let your hand? I know you might think I'm Parvenu but forgive me it's running me crazy.

Savior

Have you ever been stuck in mud like a donkey for a week, and suddenly someone appeared, without calling him, and move you out easily only with using his smallest finger?

Thank God, I know you haven't forgotten me. :D

PS: Send me some more angels, s'il vous plaît.

Jive

The best part of Ballroom and Latin dance is that every decision in selecting different features of dance is completely up to man. He will choose and lead the woman every where he wants. This makes dancing for women very relaxing without brain working. It's so easy to dance with a man who knows dancing. The key is just hanging loosely in him; it's his job to take you with him.
Is that a simple image of real life? Maybe I did something wrong; I must have led my partner more that usual!
NO.. NO I can not trust in tiny brain men. I know; once I stop thinking and managing them they definitely ruin everything. That's what I did last summer. See the result.

Criticism

The only reader of my 5hip, which it's me, criticized this weblog. She said why all the posts are about him? Don't you have any thing else in your life to write about?
You are getting lots of experiences everyday in this new place, and I'm sure you can more interesting stuffs than these junks. You have to be ashamed of your thoughts. Would you like someone think and write about your husband? You must think of her. She is innocent.
Although I completely respect her, but I told her that I do have a lot of things to write but the only reason that I made this weblog( Except practicing English) is that to say my words those I don't have anybody to listen. I'm tired of repeating these discussions with myself. I had to find a way to get rid of them and I found this way to be useful not completely but almost. I don't want to say my mum; She'll be sad. I don't want to tell my friends here; I will lose my pride. I don't want to tell my close friends; they will be sad and they probably suggest nonuse ideas because they have no idea I'm drowning in which kind of hell.
The truth is I'm thinking about him every second so if I want to write my thoughts nothing can overtake him . In addition, I don't blame myself to think about her husband; I believe that he is mine. Although she is innocent but she is stupid. I would never accept someone as my husband just in 2 months when I know that he has been with someone else for 5 years until the day before I met him. This can happen only if the girl is so desperate to find a husband. I know I don't have the right to think about other peoples properties but believe me that if she knew about me, she did bad to me. This is not a good way to be happy. She might not know about me; That would be Ok for her. I think he probably said to her ( to be honest) I had a girl for some times, and I liked her but we haven't been matched, and last year she left me and went to Sweden, and it's one year that it's over. Now, I forgot her and I want to make a new life with you. This is definitely a lie.

After our discussion about her Criticism, I guess she was not satisfied. I could see in her eyes that she thinks I'm a silly girl. Also, I know from inside that I just made excuses. I have to move on. But how?


PS: Hani told me to write in paper with red pen, and then burn them. It seems good Idea; I don't know if I do that.

Adas Polo (Rice with Lentil)

I have received a package of materials for Persian food recently. Now I can cook whatever I want. Today my lunch was a food which I hated all my life until the day that my mother cooked it for me to take it to a picnic. We went to Shemshak, north east of Tehran. It was snow everywhere and cold. We hardly managed to keep the gas burner lighted up in that heavy wind. Finally, the food was warm and we ate it heartily. I would say more than delicious. Today, I had my lunch with closed eyes remembering that day. I'm a good cook, a true substitute of mum.

PS: What gives taste to the food?

Social dance party

The beginning was very oppressive; I felt like an additional person. I sat and watched people dancing. After 15 minutes I realized that nobody is going to ask me for dance. Even Harold was dancing with another girl. I thought that I can't continue in this way; I went and started to talk with some people; there were 4 girls without partner which at the beginning I didn't notice them. We were talking until Harold came to me and asked me to dance; I felt a little relaxed; I was afraid of not dancing in the entire party. After that I was a little better; I took some snacks and talked with people. Anyway, I danced with some other partners and at night a nice girl gave me ride to home. It wasn't very bad but I'm not sure if I go to the next social dance party again without partner. It seems I'm gonna have one. Kelvin is interested.

Magic of Dream

I was in the car, and I was thinking what if I hold his hand. We were talking, although it wasn't very amorously. The thing is that I was saying something and he was answering me exactly in the way he is not in the way I expect. The reason that I'm surprised is that it seemed he was really in my dream, otherwise how did I know that how he would react and answer and what he would say! This is amazing; I was watching myself with him and realizing that how he treated me in this recent five years; I have never noticed before; he was just ignoring me all the time. I know why I did not feel that before; I was in love with him, and I was sure that he loves me no matter what he says and he does; but now that I knew in the background that he doesn't love me the way I do and the way I think, when I'm with him it's easy to notice his repelling behavior with me even in dream.

PS: I wrote this post in sleep last night; even I chose the title in sleep. Sorry if it's confusing; It's just exactly the way I felt.

Dancing

I'm taking a dance class. It's Ballroom and Latin dance. I really like it; I feel like a princess when I'm dancing. I have learned Foxtrot, Chaachaachaa, Waltz and Jive (a little) so far. Although I still don't have any partner but it's very fun. Think if I had my prince what would I feel :D
Tonight, there is social dance party. We are All invited, I want to go and I will go but I don't feel good without partner. I don't want to wait until someone come and ask me for dance. What if nobody come?
God send me an angel tonight, just for tonight.


PS: How should I dress up?

Shadowy friend

There is a guy cleaning the kindergarten every night when I go home from my office. He would never notice me, but every night I give him a smile when I'm passing. I never forget to take a look at the second floor of kindergarten to find him with his working dress. He works for sweet children; I like him.

Heart Recovery

I just read an article in Iran-newspaper about how to recover your broken heart. There were some instructions. Mostly he said what I should not do. I do want to list some of them here to make sure that I'm deeply understood.
It's true that I'm not really out of order. He said I should not substitute another guy until my heart will be cured, and I didn't(Thank God); In fact I couldn't; Maybe I would if I could. Also I haven't met someone special. So I still have to be careful. The other suggestion was do not review all the memories everyday. Do not make a miserable person from yourself by chewing the cud. I do that all the time; I'm bad.
Do not hang round him by Email, SMS, Telephone and middleman. I didn't exactly in the way he said but I did in my way. Probably he could not guess someone can hang round someone else by checking his weblog everyday, to make herself available in yahoo messenger and lots of other ways without having direct contact with him. If he could guess he would have mentioned them in his forbidden list. I have never done something to lose my dignity and self-respect but .. You know .. I feel stupid when I am messing around him even with my steady dignity.
The other thing is that do not waste your time and energy in thinking about revenge. You can use that time and energy for spiritual improvement. I have never thought about revenge, but I have to confess with shame that sometimes I feel like to see that his marriage doesn't work out. Just to see his parents burning like me and regretful. But when I remember his oppressed face that the only thing he wants is a peaceful life, I blame myself. He is well worth it to have a good life, and if he would not have, it means that I suffered giving him up without any harvest. I want it, I truly want him to be happy although he tore my heart out in the worst way he could ever do.
Next tip is to avoid cigarette and drinking. I'm safe.
The best part was to take refuge(I don't know if it's a right expression) in God and parents which are the best loves for substitution. :)

For those who know Persian . Article.

Dreamlike concert of Chris De Burgh

I remember I was 15 when I received the first cassette of Chris de burgh from Maneli. I was listening to it all the time. The most richly colored memory was in the way to go Emamzadeh davoud with mam and granma. I start learning English with lyrics and memorizing the songs. Then I got more songs from him almost all the albums. I started to love with those songs, we used to listen to his songs in his car. They were the most perfect days of my life. Now the rhythm of his songs makes my heart to beat.
I used to sing his songs in the yard of the school for my classmates. "In a country churchyard there is preacher with ..".
I always wished to see him and listen to him singing live. And now I catch my dream, I'm going to his concert in 9th October. I'm so excited. Without him it is so gonna be tough but I know that I want to go either with or without him.
I knew him before I know him. ;) he is my singer, my feelings for his songs has nothing to do with him. I loved them before him. Finally I found something that belongs to me and only me because in recent years I've lost all that I was and I have changed a lot to be in the way he wants. Now, I'm coming back.

Happiness is a voyage

Today is sunny; Today I'm in good mood; Maryam sent me an email with this content that Happiness is a voyage, and it's not a destination. What am I waiting for? This is it. My life is like this and I should enjoy it, nothing special is coming to me. I have to live like this is the happiest time I would ever have, and it's true; I have my job, my home, my family, my friends, my health. I listen to music; I dance; I'm happy; I sport( Is that right? Or I'm doing sport). Hani told me nothing is better than to be independent, free, free and free, and I am now. I have lots of energy; I can do whatever I want; something is missing, and it's that thanking God at every breath :) I will ... I do

Which Kimia ??

My two last posts prove that I would never disclose my weblog to my friends and family. I never let them know how miserable I am sometimes. I'm kind of girl that everybody sees me thinks that I'm so strong, so energetic, so happy, enjoying every second of my life, and I have never tasted a failure; Everything is perfect in the way I wanted. I never complain. I always smile, and give people energy by saying good things. I share my happiness with my friends. Nobody knows what is inside but me and my mother(I never told her). How am I gonna tell them what is going on in my heart. Even when they ask I say: I'm find; We've had very good time together but we were not suited for each other, and it's over now and I'm living my life without any regret.
Am I a liar? NO, I'm not. Cause I don't want to make them sad; I don't want them to feel pity for me. I want to be always positive; Why should I share my heartache with someone else to give him/her heartache too? This is the first reason and the other one is that I have pride.
Now, what's the point of writing in web if I don't want share with my friends?
I have no idea yet. Maybe someday I'll be such a free and strong girl then I would not care who knows what I felt or feel.
Anyway, it's true, it's real, and it's me.

PS: Am I afraid of someone discovering this page??

Helpless

I still love him; I can't deny it; I can't help it; I think about him everyday even more than the time that I was sure of his love; His picture is the first image in front of my eyes in the morning when I haven't opened them and the last person I thought about after I close my eyes at night. I feel every cell of my body is screaming out his name every time I come back to myself. I can't run away from this shout. He is the one that I always remember once I see a perfect scene, feel a sweet smell, have a nice day, listen to a soft song. I'm living with him, I have been living with him since I know myself as what I am now. I didn't know that this gonna change ever. He hurt me so badly but why I can't move on? I need to face the reality but how? Can I change everything? I still have the clothes that I bought wishing him to like them but I didn't even find a chance to show him. I still have everything he bought for me. Ok you are right I can get rid of them but what about my memories? I didn't know that my life is this much sewn to his life. I didn't know that my feelings for him is such deep. Now that I feel pain everywhere I understand a lot of things. I can't figure out what just happened?
I'm sitting here seeing he is online and his webcam is on, I know he is chatting with her. I can guess what he is saying I know all his words by heart. I wish he doesn't use our own symbols, I made them myself. He doesn't have the right. His status is changing often with the name of the song he is listening, and poor Kimi, she is searching on net to see what is his feeling at this time.
mostly love songs..
Once you realize that there is nobody out there anymore who loves you as a woman, it hurts. When you see your love is loving someone else it feels like hell. There is nothing worst. Believe me .. I'm so helpless

The winner takes it all

I never introduce myself, here we go ..
This is just about me at the moment; But I will survive ..

The winner takes it all ( Dear ABBA)

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It’s simple and it’s plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don’t wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You’ve come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Make up

Heli just told me I should do some make up every morning and even refresh it during the day. It's so important and it changes the people's opinion of me. People like to work with someone who takes care of herself, dressed up, dressed hair kind of attractive. I know this is true with boyfriend things. That's why I lost mine but I'm not sure about every people who I'm in contact with; cause I think I can't work with a girl who waste a lot of time in front of the mirror everyday. A girl can be in a good shape but without make up and dressed hair that takes hell of time.
I have to ask my supervisor, cause I really want to be in the way he likes. I want him to accept me for PHD. I would change my way if he really wants to work with a stylish girl ..
How can I ask this question? I wished there was a rule book for these kind of stuffs.

Shocked

Vow, this is so strange.. I checked the counter and two people have opened my weblog :D I'm so excited. How it can be possible? Where did they find this link. The most strange part is that one of them was from IRAN. This is a totally English weblog. I'm kind of shocked .. But happy :D Thank you

Diary

My teacher told me if you want to improve your skills of writing or speaking make diary in English. Try to think and write in English not to thinking in Persian and translating into English.
I Prefer to announce here for once and ever don't trust my English I'm just a beginner. I usually invent a usage for words. Never use my sentences talking to an Englishman, he might laugh at you and I don't accept any responsibility. However, I appreciate any kind of corrections.

Begining...

In the name of God