Finally home

Geri has changed my room’s floor to wood and it is now very pretty and she changed some pieces of the furniture hoping that I would like it and I would stay more. I probably stay for awhile. She was about to cry in the airport when she saw me. I really like her. I have been lucky all my life about the people I happened to live with and need them.

Last night, I went to some parking lots to watch cars for sale. One of them caught my eyes badly. What do you think? It’s expensive though. I first have to check out if I can get a loan.

Tomorrow is the first day of work and I still don’t feel like to start. I guess I am afraid and still not confident about what I can do.

I watched the DVD of my friend’s vocal and that was absolutely awesome. I never listen to traditional music. It is boring and too slow for me to follow the rhythm but in this one I just couldn’t help but enjoy. He sounded so powerful and manly while singing soft words. I loved it.

The weather is beautiful here. Still inside of the stores are colder than outside.

Surly girl

In the plane heading New Orleans.

My land lady (Geri) is gonna pick me up at the airport; she is very kind. I hope I can find a nice place to live and buy a decent car. I have to get the social security number before everything and get my driving license.

I don’t feel good at all. I feel depressed. Tomato juice tastes terrible who invented this as a beverage? I hate him. I want something and I don’t know what it is. Life is getting harder and harder as we live. Why is that?

Some very young guy started talking to me in the previous plane and then asked if he can have my phone number. I didn’t know what to say so I gave it to him. He was like twenty or something working in navy. I have no idea what that would mean to him that I gave my number and I don’t wanna think about it.

I have two DVDs from my friend’s vocal which I really really want to listen now but I don’t know why it asks for special decoder. Darn. This was definitely the only thing that could calm me down.

Blue evening

This is the end of a one-month journey and I feel like I am in a very depressing Friday afternoon (Sunday afternoon). I am sitting in the Starbucks downtown Ann Arbor and I always foolishly thought that internet is free in Starbucks.

The longest vacation of my entire life is just finishing and all that I have are memories of the very great times I had with my friends in Ann Arbor, St. John’s, Ottawa, Montréal, Kitchener, Toronto and Chicago, the beautiful places I visited and my credit cards’ bills.

I got promises from all my friends to come to visit me in Louisiana and I keep hoping that happens soon.

I am quite proud of myself because. I spent my time with many different types of people with different interests, activities and funs, different conveniences and levels of life but I easily managed to have a wonderful time with all of them and enjoyed being with them second by second heartily. It means either I was so desperate to have any type of enjoyment so that anything could have been fun for me or I am a people person meaning I am at my best when I am with people and I can fit in whatever is going on around me. This flexibly and freedom is something that I always look for it in my partner’s characteristics so obviously I am proud if I am having it myself.

Tonight I am going to Salsa dancing with a Lebanese girl. I think it’s gonna be fun.

Consultations

I have been thinking about something seriously ever since I talk to an old friend after awhile.

Do I prefer to love or be loved? Which person do I have to choose? : The one who excites me and makes my heart beats like a drum although I see some of his flaws or the one that I know he loves me with his heart and admires me and I can’t find anything wrong with him. I am pretty sure that I will have a peaceful life with him.

I don’t know why but I believe most of the people would choose the safe second choice. Logically, I can’t explain why but I know that some characteristics, like mine, could hardly go for the second choice. I am a girl with taste and opinion. I have had an effect on any decision ever made anyhow related to me. I am not an “I agree” girl whatsoever. I am willing to control all the situations and boss people around. I can’t bear to be chosen I do want to choose myself.

I believe love is a blessing and I can’t give it up to another good feeling which is being loved. I love to love someone; I want the feeling that makes me sacrifice my whole time and life and fills me with forgiveness and patience. I’d rather to give than to get and that’s not ever gonna happen unless I’d be captivated with or drawn in someone.

My aunt disagrees completely. She believes marriage is a contract. You have to choose the one that is willing to give you as much as you will to give. Love is not a necessary component and it would be enough to feel good about the person. She says the lover is a loser in marriage.

A few weeks back, I talked to the old friend. We used to be very close pen friends and also neighbors when I was 18, 19 or so. He was 5 years older than me, a very educated, cultured, mature, literate and wise person and I was in my childish world, talking of my silly stories. I always looked at him as a big man who knows every thing. I believe he truly liked me; he had never hesitated to admire me and express his feelings. He had always made me feel more self-confident. Later on that era, I met someone and me and my pen friend pretty much stopped talking. Maybe once in 6 months, we exchanged a greeting email.

Last year he notified me that he is involved with some girl, of course that I was absolutely happy for him but I can’t deny that I felt surrendered for a few hours. Even if you don’t have any plan for someone it always feels good to know someone likes you out there. I reviewed some of his emails, felt a little upset and got over it quickly.

They broke up for some reason and all the memories came back to my mind when last week he asked me to send him our letter’s archive because he had lost them in a hard drive accident. He is still the same man and I am a little grown up and our age difference doesn’t seem to be as huge as it used to be. I believe he still likes me and I still live in my dreamy world looking for the one who can take my breath away yet a little anxious because I am getting old and I live in a city with no potential partner.

I had talked about my mysterious guy who now I know him better; it’s been 7 months so far. He is sitting in front of me studying and looks most attractive in his red shirt with his runny nose and his unresponsive eyes. I am listening to the song singing “There is a boy trying to steal my heart and I am tempted.. It’s so hard to resist ..” and I really am tempted. It’s a pity that he is not interested; I strongly wanted to make this work but obviously he lives in his own dreamy world and doesn’t want to give it up soon. I don’t complain I don’t take offence and I never condemn him because I know exactly how he feels; I’ve been there. Nothing in this world remains without answer.

It’s hard for me to give up on him. The most stupid reason that he is wanted this much is that he behaves just like my ex-partner and I somehow sure that if anytime in the future they get to meet each other, he will like him and would be proud of me for my choice. I am not sure if I like this characteristic or I just got used to it but the only thing I am sure of is that I have already been attracted to two people from this type. maybe that really is my taste.

I sure should do something about him. He starts to be a pain. Disconnection could be an option; however it feels kind of stupid between adults. I don’t know; I should think more. I wished relationships were easier than this.

PS1:

به دنبال چیستی؟
دوست بداری یا دوستت بدارند؟
اگر میخواهی دوست بداری،
دوستت دارم

جواد شریفیان

Traveling

Finally I am at the airport waiting for the flight and I don’t envy those who have their buddies with them cause I do have mine.

It is gonna be a perfect trip for me starting now. I will visit all my dears every where in this continent. I have decided to forget about expenses and try to visit as many cities as possible because it might be my last trip to Canada at least for awhile. St.john’s, Ottawa, Montreal, Toronto and Kitchener are in my schedule at the moment.

Although I am a little anxious about getting my work permit visa but I can definitely say that this trip is like a relaxation for me after 3 months working and living alone with strangers and least convenience possible. I almost have no worries no fears no responsibilities and concerns and it absolutely feels incredible. I feel free and open to enjoy traveling.

My beautiful co-workers gave a paper full of their notes and wishes and it was so sweet. There is this girl working with us, Talia, she is a quiet, pretty, nice girl. I believe the card was her idea.

I had my nails done for the first time in my life; I am a little bit excited. Never had this feeling of long nails. I would say the fingers are quite useless when you have long nails, or maybe I am not use to it. It looks pretty though. Yet it doesn’t go with my jeans and casual way of dressing.

I will stay for a few days in Michigan and I love to stay there. You know. I wish I could get more feedback from whom I think of a lot.