Spring Blizzard

I hate this weather. It is completely intolerable for me. I don’t know how people could live here their lives. I cannot imagine wasting 4 years of my life studying PhD in this crazy weather. Hey, STOP snowing; I am sick of this cold crying sky. Here is a perfect place to exile criminals to suffer their lives.

I love Tehran

Scattered thoughts

Happy new year to all my friends. I wish you all a healthy wealthy year :)

Mona

Well, the first New Year far from parents goes hard. Although we have perfect communication tools like webcam and voice, but I still miss their kisses and hugs. I could not help but cry. I did not receive any Eydi this year. I know my parents are going to give me something but nothing touchable in my hand right now. Not even a real postal card.

I have a new roommate. She is 23 from Greece. I like her. She is quiet and polite and I am a bad girl because I left her lonely all the time. I don’t know why I cannot stay at home.

If anybody knows anything about the state of Louisiana specially city Houma share with me please. Security, expenses, people and any special tip. I am about to give you a really good news :D

I have a new tiny cute guest in my mouth recently. You've guessed correct; I am having my third wisdom-tooth coming out of my gum. I am petting it every time to grow straight.

I am not a poet; I have hard time to understand poems, but I am so emotional tonight. I want to sing something to release myself. Alas, I am not gifted.

How much daydreaming is normal? I think I am going to excess.

This guy that I am recently talking to is mysterious. Now, it is a month, but he hasn’t yet opened his mouth to say something about himself. He is so patient; he is just listening to me. I am afraid I will run out of story very soon. I wouldn’t say he is not interested in me that he does not speak to me, but I think he doesn’t trust me at all. Why do I not need to trust someone to tell him/her my daily report , dreams and everything about me? Who and how can misuse this worthless information?

Liar Liar

My officemate corrects my Emails to the companies I'm applying for job. This correction goes like this: He uses Ctrl+a following Del key, and then he writes all over again. Sometimes I need to use dictionary to understand what he wrote. Anyway, I did not get any answer from my low English letters but I got a few answers from his letters.
One of the companies asked me for references and then asked for a formal interview. I tried to explain him I cannot get into US easily, so he called me today. Not for an interview but to ask a few questions. Then he told me your English in your letters is so good and how long have you been here? I explained and I said thank you for your compliment but I don't think that it's good. "I do" he said.

Sometimes, there is no difference between hiding and lying.

Norouz and New Feelings

It was a great party. Full of positive energy, happiness, delicious dishes, pretty girls and boys, kind curious people and everything I like. A big team work produced a well arranged ceremony. I’m very proud.

I looked pretty last night; many people told me, so I tried to believe it :D if I want to look through my dark glasses, I might say they found me desperate to hear “you look pretty” thing other than being really pretty. It’s pleasant for me to hear that but nobody can fool me.

A few days back, I thought of how much appearance is important for me and how much it affects me. I don’t know if I am a shallow, superficial observer person or it is natural. I should try to look at people more deeply. I think the start of having feelings for someone has something to do with his/her mien. I’ve always read in poetry and books that the lover always talks about the beauty of the beloved. They show that the lover sees nothing but beauty in his beloved. But I think it’s opposite; people start to love each other when they see the beauty of their partner (the beauties I said are related to appearance).

No need to consider it as a confession, every body knows that every single girl or guy notices the potential partners around them. I am not an exceptional. Since I became officially single, I met (talk to) several boys who could be a candidate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get close to any of them. I thought maybe my heart’s gate is locked. Maybe I would never be able to love someone else. Maybe I still love him and not ready for the substitution, and lots of other stupid reasoning. None of them are valid. The valid answer is that I haven’t yet met the one. If I do, the previous sad story turns to be a joke. That’s what happened to my ex-partner and hopefully will happen to me. Although all my friends have continuously been telling me, I got this fact once I saw a close up picture of a recent friend with his wide smile exhibiting his big well arranged teeth. I just thought for a second that it is so easy to fall in love with this smile and I am truly capable. He is far away and I know almost nothing about him; he might not be the case but he reminded me my capability to love. My heart will beat again. I tasted it for a few seconds.

Dangerous Girl

The system of this telephone card that I’m using now is stupid. First, they asked for my telephone number to use as an ID and then a password; you are signed up, miss. Now I can buy credits. They used their brain to solve the problem of inserting 11 digit PIN code and they came up with a brilliant idea. If you dial with the telephone number that you registered with as your ID, you don’t need to insert the PIN and it goes directly to your account. Now, it sucks for people like me who have no cell phone and no fixed private number. I gave my office number and I thought I can trust my officemates. Nobody calls with other people’s credit. It is not something that everybody can do. Well, I was wrong. He used about 3$ of my credit. It’s nothing but still makes me angry.

I know my father would say you should take care of your own money; don’t blame people. OK. I accept that; it was my fault. But it doesn’t mean that I should not go for revenge.

I have his telephone numbers is in my history. I’m gonna call the most frequent one and say: I’m calling from Memorial university and unfortunately we have a bad news for you. We found a body and there is no ID card but your number in his pocket; we would be very grateful if you can help us identify him.

I guess it will work. I can have my 3 bucks back.

Don’t worry, I’m not that crazy.

Buried Secrects

Every couple has some secrets only between them. Deep feelings they have for each other and lots of verbal love communications which only they know the meaning. If one of them starts to deny and ignore the existence of those feelings, the other one could never prove anything. It’s like she goes to the moon alone and tries to explain to moon people that there exists life like this on the earth. I feel like that. The question is why I should prove anything, I should only forget.

I have been having a bad time over the past two days. The attack of painful memories put me in a situation with nonstop crying eyes, no control on my thoughts, no control on my words to people, no work efficiency, severe headache and pain in my thyroid which sometimes is like a stone in my throat. I noticed that this happens periodically without an exact reason; although this cycle is getting longer even longer than a month, but it still exists. It seems like after being so happy for a while I feel like I need to mourn so I make an excuse and get sucked to that mood. The bad mood was resonated after a hard discussion with a friend about another subject, and my poor friend who was bombarded by my anger. I was cruel but friends shall be able to guess my madness timetable. Last night, although I wasn’t better, but I was completely distracted from the main subject. That was a good point.

This morning I woke up with creepy touch of the moustache of my landlady’s grey 16 years old cat on my face, and awoke the entire neighborhood with a scream which made the cat jump half a meter. I should be more careful and close the door of my bedroom. Since my roommate left, I don’t care about the door as much.

Today, I’m fine. The blue mood is gone and I am me again. I will make it up to my friend. What I said was not far away from truth, but I made an exaggeration and delivered it in the worst way possible and at the worst time for both of us. I should have waited for a few months; transition times is not good for any activity.

Anyways, having friends is good. I want lots of them but I don’t want to attach to them or become very close to them cause there will always be a pain when you lose them. I distribute my stories between friends. I talk about my thesis with some, I talk about my feelings with some, I discuss about my problems and my future with some, I go to dancing with some, I play card with some, I have my lunch with some and I play volleyball with some; those who I only play v with them. And the apposite is true too; I don’t get involved with all my friends' stuff. I take one piece from each so they know that I care about them.

Friendships are complicated. It’s hard to create rules. As I tried so last night, I found it impossible. I have a friend who is special. It’s so easy to communicate with him. The speed of our conversation is more than the speed of my brain; he guesses the sentence I haven’t yet made. He is so hard working in friendship. He memorizes everything and never a repeating conversation happens unless I forgot. I love asking questions or consult with him; it feels like he sits on my place. On the other hand, it’s hard to be a good friend for such picky, careful and sagacious people with big memory.

I sent my thesis to Chalmers. It feels good; I smell the finishing day :D

Shall we speak out everytime we feel something?

There was a guy back home; he was my first crush when I entered to school. We never spoke with each other those days and even I never managed to look at his face to see how he looks like. The only things I noticed about him were that he has a white skin; I thought he is blond, but my classmates disagreed; he is very funny; he is not a good student because he was one year upper than me but he had his Math I with us. He used to sit at the end of the class and never listen to the teacher. I start to be like him. I was sitting close to him and all my attention was focused on him and his funny comments. Then I ended up to pass Math I with 10 although I was accepted to university only by the power of my Math knowledge and score in entrance exam.
I couldn’t do any thing and I was supposed to see him with different girls every time. He turned to be a big pain for me and nothing else.
Anyways, I found out his birthday by plying a common friend with questions. I should wait about 9 months for his birthday to come, and then I had this chance to send a hello and wishes with his birthday excuse. Haha, childish dream :D During this time, it happened for me to go to a one day mountain climbing trip with a team of 15 people including him. I totally remember the sleepless night before the trip. Well, he was nice but not like the idol I’d made up in my brain. After that, we become a little friend, like sometimes we greet with each other. I become a little cold and I think he’d never noticed me.
I met another guy, 5 months before the birthday and he was really the one I was always looking for. He was smart, handsome, calm, kind and the most importantly he noticed my immediately. I start to have feelings for him but still in the same way of silence. I couldn’t express my feelings. It was so possible to lose this one as well, because I wasn’t the one who could start.
9 months passed and I was about to give the birth while I wasn’t eager for the result anymore. The only thing I wanted was that to send an email and say, hello, happy birthday, wish you the best and the only reason was the respect to that 9 months waiting.
I went to the computer lab that morning, while preparing my sentences. I opened my account and surprisingly I had an email from the new guy. Haven’t yet opened the email, my heart started to beat badly, because I had this torturing thought in the background that I’m cheating on my new feelings by paying attention to the previous dead feeling. Nothing was real; everything was in my own brain. I didn’t have relationship with none of them. What did that cheating mean?? Don’t know.
He wrote to me about his feelings, sweetest way possible on his Turkish way of talking. I gave him a mature answer which I’m still proud of even after 6 years. I left the computer lab full of joy and excitement; I totally forgot the reason I went there.
Today, I’m free again to send my wishes to the birthday boy in the anniversary of the first love letter I received. I’m happy.