Buried Secrects

Every couple has some secrets only between them. Deep feelings they have for each other and lots of verbal love communications which only they know the meaning. If one of them starts to deny and ignore the existence of those feelings, the other one could never prove anything. It’s like she goes to the moon alone and tries to explain to moon people that there exists life like this on the earth. I feel like that. The question is why I should prove anything, I should only forget.

I have been having a bad time over the past two days. The attack of painful memories put me in a situation with nonstop crying eyes, no control on my thoughts, no control on my words to people, no work efficiency, severe headache and pain in my thyroid which sometimes is like a stone in my throat. I noticed that this happens periodically without an exact reason; although this cycle is getting longer even longer than a month, but it still exists. It seems like after being so happy for a while I feel like I need to mourn so I make an excuse and get sucked to that mood. The bad mood was resonated after a hard discussion with a friend about another subject, and my poor friend who was bombarded by my anger. I was cruel but friends shall be able to guess my madness timetable. Last night, although I wasn’t better, but I was completely distracted from the main subject. That was a good point.

This morning I woke up with creepy touch of the moustache of my landlady’s grey 16 years old cat on my face, and awoke the entire neighborhood with a scream which made the cat jump half a meter. I should be more careful and close the door of my bedroom. Since my roommate left, I don’t care about the door as much.

Today, I’m fine. The blue mood is gone and I am me again. I will make it up to my friend. What I said was not far away from truth, but I made an exaggeration and delivered it in the worst way possible and at the worst time for both of us. I should have waited for a few months; transition times is not good for any activity.

Anyways, having friends is good. I want lots of them but I don’t want to attach to them or become very close to them cause there will always be a pain when you lose them. I distribute my stories between friends. I talk about my thesis with some, I talk about my feelings with some, I discuss about my problems and my future with some, I go to dancing with some, I play card with some, I have my lunch with some and I play volleyball with some; those who I only play v with them. And the apposite is true too; I don’t get involved with all my friends' stuff. I take one piece from each so they know that I care about them.

Friendships are complicated. It’s hard to create rules. As I tried so last night, I found it impossible. I have a friend who is special. It’s so easy to communicate with him. The speed of our conversation is more than the speed of my brain; he guesses the sentence I haven’t yet made. He is so hard working in friendship. He memorizes everything and never a repeating conversation happens unless I forgot. I love asking questions or consult with him; it feels like he sits on my place. On the other hand, it’s hard to be a good friend for such picky, careful and sagacious people with big memory.

I sent my thesis to Chalmers. It feels good; I smell the finishing day :D