Move out

My roommate moved out. It's sad. I got used to him so much. Now, I like to move out too.

PS:

1) I'm looking for a poem for the top line of the acknowledgement of my report. A poem which shows my appreciation to God who helped me get this done. What I prayed for everyday. There are some verses from Hafez and Molavi that are so touching but when I see the translation it just sounds stupid and doesn't make sense. Any suggestions?

2) I wish I can find a job in a warm city of US. I think it helps my dream come true :)
I found lots of job opportunities which suit me more than anybody. I want one of them; why don't they answer my emails? shitty nationality.

3) We are going to have a big public party for Nowrooz in our school. We have some plans. Pouria is going to present a summery about Iran and its traditions. We will design a big 7-Seen table. Different Iranian dishes will be cooked. I'm supposed to cook Mirza ghasemi. We will have traditional persian music performance with violin by Farhood. We will have egg painting contest. Of course, Persian dancing will be held at the end :) I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. No one is going to sponsor this party. We are only 15 Iranians in st.john's so it's gonna be expensive for us but I believe it's worth it. I hope it won't go over 20 bucks per person. One idea was to sell tickets to people who want to attend but nobody agreed because it is far away from our culture to sell ticket to accept people in our party. We love our guests and we pay instead. Even we have to give them Eydi :D I would if I had Iranian new bills.

Ski

I am so wondering about these Chinese people. It seems to me they have no sense about time, appointment, commitment, responsibility and so on.
There was a Ski trip arranged by 7 Chinese guys today. Yesterday, we had a horrible snow storm in St. John‚’s with more than half meter snow. Because of the wind, snow in some directions tend to have more than 2 meter height(e.g. in front of my house), and there was a warning for blizzard for today. They didn't cancel the trip and the appointment was 6:30 in the morning somewhere which is 20 mins walk far from my place. In the snow it took me 35 mins to get there and there were some other poor students and the trip canceled officially by telephone call not even with presence at 7 am. I don't really know what to say.
I don't like to discriminate people with their nationality. If I do so I wouldn't be in a good cultured group either. I'm just trying to give my experience. Never trust a fully Chinese organization. They will disappoint you.
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I know an exceptional one. There is a Chinese guy who seems to be the only person who cares about my thesis and report. I sent him the first draft of my report and asked him to revise it and he read all the report although he was very busy with his presentation and he made comments almost about every paragraph. I'm so thankful. He also gave a big compliment about my thesis which was sweet.
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Why people live here in this crazy weather. I cannot understand. They have no idea how life could be better in a good weather condition. It is insane to stay when they have other options which they mostly have.
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The day started with a raspberry, but an hour later sweetened with a simple note of a friend :D

O Canada, Why are you doing this?

My parents had been planning to come to Canada during Norooz vacation for three weeks. Well it's cold here, but they don't have this much free time on summer, so the only time for traveling even to Canada is Norooz.

There should be an interview to assess the case if they have honor to enter their freezing country in winter.
My mother should stay out and they only interviewed with my father.

Questionnaire:

Why do you want to go there? Visit our daughters

What are they doing? Studying

Do they have monthly salary? Yes, they have scholarships.

Do you have any other family there? Yes, my wife’s niece. She is working in x-company.

Who is going to support you? I, myself; I have this much money in my bank account.

How long do you want to stay there? 3 weeks

We can not give you Visa permit. Sorry about that.

All the questions had been in the form they had filled. No matter what you answer, they only want to reject.

Last year I had been in Sweden; I was eating from my father’s pocket. I didn’t have any identification there and I invited them to Sweden and they got Visa easily and we had that great New Year together and they came back after three weeks.

I haven’t missed my parents, but when I remember it’s not possible if I want to see them or they want to see me, I feel like I’m in prison or they are in prison.

I don’t know how much it is worth to stay here. Heli is completely sure, but I still have doubt.

My mother was really sad; I know her; she is like me. She had been dreaming for a few months. She was trying to convince me that she is not sad, so she said: ”We can’t only come to see our children while there are some people in real prisons that they have been accused, hit and also they can not see their family.“

Cold water on the fire

Another social dance party means a week full of waiting moments before and a week full of songs and moves review after.

Last night, we had an amazing night which I was enjoying seemingly too much. Most of my friends were around me who I believe they were the prettiest girls of the party; I was proud. I had a comfortable suitable dress on and I’d made up my face patiently. I took a light drink before the party, and I had this partner of mine beside me who looked good as well and could dance the way I like and make me dance the way I please. Everything was perfect. I am an easy-becoming-happy girl.

When ¾ time of the dancing party passed, he told me inattentively that I’m leaving with my friends. It was a pure notice, not even a question. The thing that he left is not important but the way he act seemed like nothing is less important than keeping your accompany, even going to a pub that can be happen anytime; He left me behind in the party without partner. This happened while I was thinking that’s a great luck for me that my partner is enjoying this dancing like me. He never hided his feeling, though I forgot the other side of the coin. He might fake his feeling. (This is what he reminded me).

This was offensive for me. I don’t think I’m expecting too much. We are not close friends; the only plan we have together is this one hour per week dancing class and two dancing parties in the whole semester. If he wants to prefer his friends even on this limited time, nothing would remain between us and I’m not gonna appreciate his friendship anymore.

A big freeze happened to me. I’m not reviewing any move or song of last night. I’m not excited to think about it but upset, so I guess I should sleep on it to decide how to react. It’s hard for me to give up dancing with him, yet I don’t want to stay in the position people could ignore me.

P.S. I have an evil eye on my own stuffs.

The most enjoyable job I did

I'm wondering whether it's good to be forgetful or bad. It is usually considered as a negative adjective, sometimes as an insult, but honestly I think life without forgetfulness is hard. Forgetful people live without regret. They never notice that they have lost something.

It was three years ago; I had this Sea experiment course which was between the most interesting courses I had at my undergraduate. The idea was to build a model of a tanker vessel in 1/80 scale from wood by some available tools then test the model in a small pool. Here is the masterpiece of our team.



I love working with wood and making handicrafts that’s why I enjoyed this course. During the filing job, I decided to build a model on my own. Definitely a tanker wouldn’t be my choice. Even though it’s hard to make curves with wood but I didn’t like to make a boxy shape model. I, like most people, wish to have a sailing boat, if I cannot afford to have a real one at least I can afford to build a model. I searched all the journals and some websites to find a nice body plan; finally I picked one with my father’s help.

Valentine day does not exist in our culture (tradition). In fact having girl/boyfriend does not exist and married lovers usually celebrate their wedding anniversary. Recently, while being couple before marriage has being fashioned, valentine day has introduced itself.

When I am supposed to give a present to whom I like I always think about making something not buying. It can be because I am stingy, artist or romantic. On all the Valentines Day that I was in love, I made something very especial and time consuming.

It was between the examination of fall semester which I decided to make my sailing boat in 1/10 scale and I knew that Valentine Day is coming. I was like a girl with super power. No matter how much lessons I have I only wanted to work on my model. I went to the laboratory every time I could and I was feeling like it is the best time of my life. The most enjoyable job I did. I knew he would love it. It was like every piece of me screaming “I love you” at every time I rub the file on the model’s body. The laboratory assistant who was an old man was eager about the result as well. He helped me a lot. Once he told me I feel alive and young when I see you coming excited to work on your model. I thought he doesn’t even know what is going on inside me.
The body took about one month and the sailing two weeks (with his help) because it was thin and fragile. The Lab assistant made a structure as a stand for the boat. My mother sewed the sails three times because I was so picky. My father painted the boat. It looked really nice. I loved the result. Everybody liked it. The Lab assistant was chocked when he heard that it’s gonna be a gift. He said you will regret; I said don’t worry. It is not going so far away. (rahe doori nemire).



I’m wondering where she is now. She might be burned in the fire place or buried like all other memories.



Happy Valentine Day

Aashooraa

I guess I am religious, although my Egyptian officemate laughed at me when I said so! It is funny. These sonni people accept easily that it is up to us to choose if we want to wear scarf or not. Even if a girl doesn't use scarf they won't consider her nonreligous but when it comes to prayers, if you don't do your daily prayers it definitely means you are not religious. The base is the same. Everything is cultural. We are both Muslim but we don't agree on anything about our religion.

I guess I am religious; I felt very bad when I read about these cartoons of Mohammad(s). I don't agree with any wild action against these silly people. Big people like Mohammad never get hurt because of the word of some idle people. I do believe in freedom of words. Ok, you are free, but why would you say something to hurt other people or insult them?? Is there something wrong with you? Go see a doctor. I don't see a big difference between those who kill others because of their beliefs and those who insult and belittle the others. Both are sick. The difference is in how bold they are.

I guess I am religious. some days I really miss Iran. One is Aashoora. It is not because I have always had fun on this day. Actually I have never had. One reason is that I feel we have something special on this day. A tradition that even it may not seem quite neat, it's ours. The other reason is that I feel if I want something from God there is a chance for me to ask it on this day. I know that I might be wrong but I may not be wrong either. I like to give it a shot every year :) I won’t lose anything doing that.

PS: What are the boundaries of being friends, caring friends or a couple?

Who is talking in my ears?

Just brain storming; don't bother to read..

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Today, I have this haunting voice in the background of my scientific thoughts that keeps saying: You hadn’t got enough of me; you are gonna miss me buddy; neither had I and so am I.
Don't tell me that I'm over-confident, because it is not true. It is not me who talks.
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Sometimes I start to dissect my feelings and behaviors. The result is not so desirable. Recently, I realized that I have two powerful governors in me.
One of them consults with me when he wants to give an order to me. I have no problem with this one. The orders are a mixture of my emotions and logic, so they are sometimes hard but always acceptable. I'm fully aware of the process of the giving orders.
The other one is strange. He never gives orders. It is just that he makes me do whatever he wants without me noticing. If I don't examine my behavior I never notice that what I'm doing is the opposite of my beliefs and logic. There is no proof and reason for the act I do and I'm not aware of doing it. It is complicated.

Everybody knows the first one. I want to talk about the second more. Since this power pushes us to do some actions involuntarily, it reminded us of devil and the spirit of lasciviousness, but I believe that it is not always about sins. For some decisions we never refer to our brain. There is an automatic deciding mechanism inside us which I name personality, taste, quality, nature, temperament of us. The status of this mechanism could be genetic or caused by all the details of events and learning in our past
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I am a girl with some characteristics. I'm not fast, but I have endurance. I can jog endlessly but I can't run very fast; not even 100m. I am a good sticker to (do, keep, have) something. I hardly surrender anything. I get used to things I have, like my watch, my ring, my bag and so on. I feel like they have soul. I talk to them and caress them and thank them for helping me. When I was a kid I had a few dolls in my bed and every night I arranged them differently because I thought they might envy each other for being closer to or further from me. I could never accept a new doll and I was happy with my old dirty ones. Because of my father's job, we had a chance to live in several cities in Iran. First home that I remember was in Booshehr, and I exactly remember how much I was upset when we were leaving for Tehran when I was 6. After 5 years when we came back to visit I was then about to hit the boy who was living in our house. This happened again when we left Tehran for Anzali and again when we left Anzali for Tehran after 5 years. This time it was even harder because I was old enough to remember everything. Every change in my life has been very hard for me. I saw my sister that was unlike me. She has always been open for changes. I stick to everything; I don’t like changes.

I have feelings and prejudice for all my properties. I can't even change my perfume without a good reason or force. If I say I like this song I never say the opposite. Some other types of songs may become my favorites but the old song that I enjoyed still has its place in me. This is about everything in my life. I abide by my word. I am so committed to everything I say and I have. I keep papers, letters, pictures, gifts, memories, stuffs, ..

I did give up a few things in my life. First, I started to learn Flute but after a while I became disappointed. I still dream of playing my flute and really love to do it. I am ashamed of myself and would never forgive myself if I don't continue. The other thing is learning French; I haven't yet given up on it but I haven’t been putting much effort in it recently. When I remember how eager I was a few months back, I blame myself for being this lazy.
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I was wondering why I still think of him. In the real world, everything between us is finished. Logically, we were not suited at all. My brain says that it is a 100% failed project. My feeling says that he betrayed our love, so there will be no other chance for him in my life; ever.
There should be another power running me instead of my brain, feelings, logic and facts that make me think of him.

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There is a strong tendency inside me that doesn't want to accept the changes. Pushes me to keep the previous feelings I had. It doesn't let me to believe the fact that I don't love him anymore. Doesn’t let me to break myself to confess I was wrong. No way I can say that I loved him, and now I don't. It keeps saying to me that if you do so, I'll never trust your heart beat again. You are such a weak girl who changed her mind in the first storm. He changed his mind but it has nothing to do with you. You should have thought about it when you were constantly saying I love you I want you.. . I am biased about what I have, and what I say. I can't go back on my word. Even with the price of my life.

This ruler, who I can call brainless lawless dictator conscience, is picking on me, and intriguing me to stand strong on my statement and to never give up. It tells me you’ll be proud after 30 years to say I was in love, and I’m in love and I’ll be in love with him forever.

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My brain says go to hell, you stupid girl.