Who is talking in my ears?

Just brain storming; don't bother to read..

-----------------------------------------------------
Today, I have this haunting voice in the background of my scientific thoughts that keeps saying: You hadn’t got enough of me; you are gonna miss me buddy; neither had I and so am I.
Don't tell me that I'm over-confident, because it is not true. It is not me who talks.
------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I start to dissect my feelings and behaviors. The result is not so desirable. Recently, I realized that I have two powerful governors in me.
One of them consults with me when he wants to give an order to me. I have no problem with this one. The orders are a mixture of my emotions and logic, so they are sometimes hard but always acceptable. I'm fully aware of the process of the giving orders.
The other one is strange. He never gives orders. It is just that he makes me do whatever he wants without me noticing. If I don't examine my behavior I never notice that what I'm doing is the opposite of my beliefs and logic. There is no proof and reason for the act I do and I'm not aware of doing it. It is complicated.

Everybody knows the first one. I want to talk about the second more. Since this power pushes us to do some actions involuntarily, it reminded us of devil and the spirit of lasciviousness, but I believe that it is not always about sins. For some decisions we never refer to our brain. There is an automatic deciding mechanism inside us which I name personality, taste, quality, nature, temperament of us. The status of this mechanism could be genetic or caused by all the details of events and learning in our past
-------------------------------------------------------

I am a girl with some characteristics. I'm not fast, but I have endurance. I can jog endlessly but I can't run very fast; not even 100m. I am a good sticker to (do, keep, have) something. I hardly surrender anything. I get used to things I have, like my watch, my ring, my bag and so on. I feel like they have soul. I talk to them and caress them and thank them for helping me. When I was a kid I had a few dolls in my bed and every night I arranged them differently because I thought they might envy each other for being closer to or further from me. I could never accept a new doll and I was happy with my old dirty ones. Because of my father's job, we had a chance to live in several cities in Iran. First home that I remember was in Booshehr, and I exactly remember how much I was upset when we were leaving for Tehran when I was 6. After 5 years when we came back to visit I was then about to hit the boy who was living in our house. This happened again when we left Tehran for Anzali and again when we left Anzali for Tehran after 5 years. This time it was even harder because I was old enough to remember everything. Every change in my life has been very hard for me. I saw my sister that was unlike me. She has always been open for changes. I stick to everything; I don’t like changes.

I have feelings and prejudice for all my properties. I can't even change my perfume without a good reason or force. If I say I like this song I never say the opposite. Some other types of songs may become my favorites but the old song that I enjoyed still has its place in me. This is about everything in my life. I abide by my word. I am so committed to everything I say and I have. I keep papers, letters, pictures, gifts, memories, stuffs, ..

I did give up a few things in my life. First, I started to learn Flute but after a while I became disappointed. I still dream of playing my flute and really love to do it. I am ashamed of myself and would never forgive myself if I don't continue. The other thing is learning French; I haven't yet given up on it but I haven’t been putting much effort in it recently. When I remember how eager I was a few months back, I blame myself for being this lazy.
-------------------------------------------------------
I was wondering why I still think of him. In the real world, everything between us is finished. Logically, we were not suited at all. My brain says that it is a 100% failed project. My feeling says that he betrayed our love, so there will be no other chance for him in my life; ever.
There should be another power running me instead of my brain, feelings, logic and facts that make me think of him.

------------------------------------------------------
There is a strong tendency inside me that doesn't want to accept the changes. Pushes me to keep the previous feelings I had. It doesn't let me to believe the fact that I don't love him anymore. Doesn’t let me to break myself to confess I was wrong. No way I can say that I loved him, and now I don't. It keeps saying to me that if you do so, I'll never trust your heart beat again. You are such a weak girl who changed her mind in the first storm. He changed his mind but it has nothing to do with you. You should have thought about it when you were constantly saying I love you I want you.. . I am biased about what I have, and what I say. I can't go back on my word. Even with the price of my life.

This ruler, who I can call brainless lawless dictator conscience, is picking on me, and intriguing me to stand strong on my statement and to never give up. It tells me you’ll be proud after 30 years to say I was in love, and I’m in love and I’ll be in love with him forever.

---------------------------------------------------------
My brain says go to hell, you stupid girl.