Consultations

I have been thinking about something seriously ever since I talk to an old friend after awhile.

Do I prefer to love or be loved? Which person do I have to choose? : The one who excites me and makes my heart beats like a drum although I see some of his flaws or the one that I know he loves me with his heart and admires me and I can’t find anything wrong with him. I am pretty sure that I will have a peaceful life with him.

I don’t know why but I believe most of the people would choose the safe second choice. Logically, I can’t explain why but I know that some characteristics, like mine, could hardly go for the second choice. I am a girl with taste and opinion. I have had an effect on any decision ever made anyhow related to me. I am not an “I agree” girl whatsoever. I am willing to control all the situations and boss people around. I can’t bear to be chosen I do want to choose myself.

I believe love is a blessing and I can’t give it up to another good feeling which is being loved. I love to love someone; I want the feeling that makes me sacrifice my whole time and life and fills me with forgiveness and patience. I’d rather to give than to get and that’s not ever gonna happen unless I’d be captivated with or drawn in someone.

My aunt disagrees completely. She believes marriage is a contract. You have to choose the one that is willing to give you as much as you will to give. Love is not a necessary component and it would be enough to feel good about the person. She says the lover is a loser in marriage.

A few weeks back, I talked to the old friend. We used to be very close pen friends and also neighbors when I was 18, 19 or so. He was 5 years older than me, a very educated, cultured, mature, literate and wise person and I was in my childish world, talking of my silly stories. I always looked at him as a big man who knows every thing. I believe he truly liked me; he had never hesitated to admire me and express his feelings. He had always made me feel more self-confident. Later on that era, I met someone and me and my pen friend pretty much stopped talking. Maybe once in 6 months, we exchanged a greeting email.

Last year he notified me that he is involved with some girl, of course that I was absolutely happy for him but I can’t deny that I felt surrendered for a few hours. Even if you don’t have any plan for someone it always feels good to know someone likes you out there. I reviewed some of his emails, felt a little upset and got over it quickly.

They broke up for some reason and all the memories came back to my mind when last week he asked me to send him our letter’s archive because he had lost them in a hard drive accident. He is still the same man and I am a little grown up and our age difference doesn’t seem to be as huge as it used to be. I believe he still likes me and I still live in my dreamy world looking for the one who can take my breath away yet a little anxious because I am getting old and I live in a city with no potential partner.

I had talked about my mysterious guy who now I know him better; it’s been 7 months so far. He is sitting in front of me studying and looks most attractive in his red shirt with his runny nose and his unresponsive eyes. I am listening to the song singing “There is a boy trying to steal my heart and I am tempted.. It’s so hard to resist ..” and I really am tempted. It’s a pity that he is not interested; I strongly wanted to make this work but obviously he lives in his own dreamy world and doesn’t want to give it up soon. I don’t complain I don’t take offence and I never condemn him because I know exactly how he feels; I’ve been there. Nothing in this world remains without answer.

It’s hard for me to give up on him. The most stupid reason that he is wanted this much is that he behaves just like my ex-partner and I somehow sure that if anytime in the future they get to meet each other, he will like him and would be proud of me for my choice. I am not sure if I like this characteristic or I just got used to it but the only thing I am sure of is that I have already been attracted to two people from this type. maybe that really is my taste.

I sure should do something about him. He starts to be a pain. Disconnection could be an option; however it feels kind of stupid between adults. I don’t know; I should think more. I wished relationships were easier than this.

PS1:

به دنبال چیستی؟
دوست بداری یا دوستت بدارند؟
اگر میخواهی دوست بداری،
دوستت دارم

جواد شریفیان