My 5hip

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Thursday, December 08, 2005

Values with no demander(Part 2)

Theory
Sex is allowed once you fall in love with someone, and it is a void behavior without love even for people who are just married, and still don't have feelings for each other, the same way prostitution is(this kind of marriage is still common in Iran even for educated but drowned-in-traditions group of people).
Contradicting examples
1) I had been loving someone who I could not think of having sex with. The thing is that he was made for something else. He was very pleasant to be with, anywhere, anytime. It would be a happy life resting beside him until eternity. In the end, I convinced myself that it was not love; it was just a nice friendly feeling, and I let it go.
2) There was a guy who I can say was just a friend for particular selfish reasons. I didn't even care about him that much. He was the kind of friend that I was sure I'd be in contact with as long as I needed him. He surely did feel the same, yet I noticed that sometimes I have felt a strong sexual attraction to him. Well, where does this feeling come from? Is it possible to make love, when there is no love? It is a shame. In the end, I even avoid the advantage of having him as a friend cause I cannot stop this crazy thought of mine. I keep my distance faaar ...
Conclusion
Both items made me think that maybe there is no relation between love and sex. Why do I force myself to combine them together to make the latter legitimate?
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posted by Kimia @ 7:44 PM  

15 Comments:

  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger Spyder said…

    There isnt a direct relationship between love and sex. Love is mental and Sex is physical. So it is normal to have the feelings you do or did. Without giving advice, I wonder why you would let 2 people that you were close to slip away?

     

  • At 8:26 PM, Blogger Kimia said…

    Hi spyder, Thanks for your comments everytime :) Now that I look at me from here point of view, I wonder too; but it goes back to my last post. This is the consequence of the way I grow up and learn to think.

     

  • At 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I agreee with spyder. sex is physical attraction and love is mental attraction. You could have both ,but sometimes u only have one.

     

  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger Vicente Rodrigo said…

    This is life, to decide to do things that they don't teached you.

    The most dangerous in life is to live it.

    Whatever you do it will be well done.

    sorry for my english.

     

  • At 1:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    For a while I thought the act was solely physical for the guy but those of you guys who don't get it after a breakup believe me you will start to notice that there is an emotional side to it as well.

    So unlike you I don't go rambling about how it doesn't mean anything and it's a purely phsyical thing

    Unless you're one of us guys who have had numerous encounters with ladies and it's become sort of a habit for them.

     

  • At 12:19 AM, Blogger jarvenpa said…

    I think there are many ways of loving; many kinds of attraction, and sometimes they are physical and sometimes not. Your feelings seem very normal to me. The problems arise when there are attractions that potentially cross boundaries where people can be hurt; I have been in a long and devoted relationship of many decades, and hope to continue for more, but there was a time in which I was deeply emotionally and physically attracted to someone else. The attraction was mutual, and very deep. We weighed the harm that we would cause (both of us had families including beautiful children we loved deeply) and did not act on those feelings. Fortunately for my peace of mind he is geographically remote these days, and happy in yet another marriage.
    It was an inwardly painful time for me, but compared to the ultimate consequences for many, that pain was light.
    But, oh my, this topic is full of questions and complexities. I think we just try to do the best we can, according to our values and our hearts.

     

  • At 3:01 AM, Blogger Frank said…

    Love is a big lie.I prefer to like someone and be with her in my lifetime than love her in a short period of time.

    To Love=
    Exists for a short perod of time.
    Its a sad feeling.
    To Like=
    Its longer
    Its a happy feeling.

     

  • At 7:18 AM, Blogger Alireza said…

    about 9 months ago or more I wrote a article about love. I think it worth reading! and that is quite complicated process. I would say, do as your heart tells you.

     

  • At 7:27 AM, Blogger Alireza said…

    here is the link
    http://alireza04.blogspot.com/2005/05/controversial-statementwhat-is-love.html

     

  • At 1:45 AM, Blogger swan_pr said…

    There is sexless love, and loveless sex. In our monogamous culture, we're trapped in the former but dream of the latter.

     

  • At 1:24 AM, Blogger Dr O2 said…

    yeah there are differences but in the end the combo is the best possible.

    sometimes Love is a strong feeling with sexual intentions as well I mean hey where does "MAKE LOVE" come from?

    in my openion it is LIKE which is a strong non-sexual attraction. It is sometimes more valuable to like a person rather than loving a person. Kimia perhaps the first case is an example of LIKING.

     

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger Younes said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger Kimia said…

    Thank you very much :) I got valuable points from all your comments. This post had another part which I wrote it before, but now that I read your comments I don't really think that I need to post it :D all answers are here.

    Kel, which one do you think is easier to be generated in future; which one should I stick to if there is just one?

    PoorSoledad, Sometimes I think I should close my eyes and live without taking it seriously, and then I won't feel any fear.

    Joseppe, if you felt the emotional side, it probably means that you've been in love. It does not mean that there could not be a physical relationship without feelings.
    Since I have never experienced, I can not prove it better than this :)

    Dear Jarvenpa, I think you did the best and you are a caring mother and partner. It's just that when I'm looking at this problem, everything looks like an obstacle if you want to consider you, your partner, your family, logic, your feeling, your culture, your religion and all the people related.

    Frank, I define love as a feeling that makes your heart beat when you see your partner or make your heart feel pain when you are apart. I don’t think if I can start living with someone with only liking him, there must be love from the beginning then it can change to like otherwise the intimate relationship will be uncomfortable and awkward.

    Alireza, Thanks I read your post and some other posts :D I think you are an interesting person ;) I add the complete link because that one doesn’t work properly.
    http://alireza04.blogspot.com/2005/05/controversial-statementwhat-is-love.html

    Swan_pr, I think in our monogamous culture we are trapped in sexless love before marriage and trapped in loveless sex after marriage  anyway, we are trapped.

    Omid, I’m completely agree with you, now do you think it is a good idea to marry to the one who you like?

     

  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger swan_pr said…

    your view makes a whole lot of sense too, and you are right, any which way we look at it, we are trapped.

     

  • At 11:31 PM, Blogger Spyder said…

    A relantionship of any type, should never be look at as a trap.
    Trap: A confining or undesirable cicrumstance from which escape or relief is difficult.
    I would think the above definition, is not what any of us wants. If you have to examine it, perhaps an unfinished novel that they two of you write instead. I would like to "write a never-ending story" someday, myself. But hey, that's just me. So can you see the person you are with or want to be with, as someone that would be able to lets say "write that novel" and if so do they feel the same way? If the answer is yes to both questions. Then I would say, Don't let it slip away. But if one of the answers is no, then perhaps closing the chapter on that part of your life is the best thing to do.
    (ack :P sry bout the whole metaphore thingy, or was it an analogy?)

     

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