Air Supply

I was about 12 and we had the old satellite in our house with channels like ChV, StarPlus, CNN, Sport and etc. I used to only watch channelV because it was music and there was no need for English understanding. Simpsons in StarPlus was also one of my favorites.

There was this song in the music channel from Air Supply, named Goodbye. In its music video, there was a pretty girl with dark long straight hair riding a bike with her light dress. At least that’s how I remember. Her hair and dress was moving with the wind and I was imagining how great she must feel.

The song was very pretty and I knew it must be a little sad cause I could understand some of the sentences but every time I listened to it I only remembered the great feeling of riding bike with long hair and skirt in a nice weather.

Last year in Sweden, I caught my dream of riding my bike with skirt and no scarf but it was too much windy and I couldn’t enjoy enough by watching my skirt to stay decent.

PS: If you are interested to have the song, send me an email.

**************************

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life


I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong


You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye


You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Frank

I was looking for a job and I sent emails to every related company all over the world. A few of them replied back with a few questions about my immigration status and between them there was one person that asked for references. His name was Frank. So I introduced my supervisor and my boss in Iran where I used to work. He never contacted them.

He called me on the phone and after a long greeting asked me if I knew Ship Construction and AutoCAD. He sounded very kind, quite funny and totally informal. However, my heart was beating crazy in my chest while I was talking to him. He apologized and asked my age.

He called me again a few days later and said “I would like you to work for us via email until you graduated because we need a hand right now”. And I said “Yes”. I know he wanted to test me. The first job was kind of stupid and I finished it very quickly and the next one had needed more education but still it was a big work with the least brain work. I sent the result little by little and I believe he was pleased. He sent me letters full of compliments and we were in contact by phone every week. He asked me to come down to the States for the interview, I was a little nervous yet I was quite sure that he wanted me.

Everything was so friendly. It would be fun if I posted his invitation letter here. It was the most informal and friendly invitation possible. He invited me to see the beautiful south Louisiana, try various delicious dishes, go fishing and reminded me to bring light clothes and especially not to forget my swimming suit because they have a pool and the weather is hot. He also invited me to stay in the guest room of their own house. It was sweet and I could tell he is a nice old man. I submitted the invitation with that content to US embassy. I bet the officer was smiling while he was reading it.

I came down after a month and he came to pick me up me at the airport and I couldn’t believe how old he was. Definitely over 80. Now I realize he is 82.

He works 7 days a week and he is the first to come and the last to leave the office. He has a sense of humor like a young man and he is very active and dreamer like he is gonna live forever. He has planned for at least ten years later. He has a good memory and beside all his business he pays attention to everybody, well, specially me; he took care of everything for me: He got a house; prepared a bike; gave me ride to wherever I wanted to go. He asks me everyday about what I need, what I did and what I ate. He is like a picky grand father. He definitely treated me like his family. I have never seen an old man have such presence of mind.

I must burn some Sepand tonight for him.

Last night, he and his wife came over for dinner. I cooked “baghali polo ba mahiche” for them and it was so widely delicious. I can’t believe how I did that. It was even better than “Farsi”s food. Anyways, he brought Champagne and it was my first time to drink Champagne. I really liked it better than wine. Drinking Champagne here is just like our costume of killing lamb in happy occasions.

One more month

I was so excited when the lawyer said the approval of my work permit will be here in two weeks and I planned my trip back to Canada in order to exit the States and enter again with a fully legal status for making money. Then I could get a driving license, rent an apartment, buy a car and stop living like a traveler. Now, they have returned my documents and asked for a hundred extra evidences. My flights, my appointment with US embassy and most importantly my wishes to see some familiar faces after 2 two months are ruined and I am haunted by anxiety about not being able to get this freaking permit.

Every job related to the US government is just a pain in somewhere. Paper work is so slow, totally different than Canada more like Iran. Bank is an example. In Canada, when you enter to the bank someone receives you and guide you to a well-dressed (suit-wearn) handsome man or woman while they all smiling at you. When you want to open an account they have you in a private room with coffee and cookie and they explain every thing to you and once you opened the account you are gonna have your debit card in hand the same day and the online service is available to do whatever transaction you wish to do. Believe me, you get uncomfortable as much that they respect you. Here, when you go to the bank they behave like you are a piece of a shit, "sit here", " sign this"," read this" and "wait three weeks until you get your debit card" and after three weeks you are still calling them seeking for the card which is lost in the post somewhere or there had been something wrong with the order and they had to do it again. Their online service is ridiculous. They killed the dragon and now you can only see on the website what your balance is, nothing more. Every state has its own banks and you won't find a branch of your bank in another state and remember every transaction between banks has charges.

Same happens for post. I sent a certified mail to my cousin in Florida. It is now 5 weeks, and it neither returned to me nor arrived to the destination. When I tracked it said it returned to the sender because of some problems 3 weeks ago. Only god knows where my poor letter is.

Joseph, my colleague, says we put all the slow dumb people to work for government so that they won’t bother us.

The gorgeous weather of here makes me crazy. Summer rain brings the smell of love and life to me. I can forget and forgive all my madness in a second when I breathe this air. I sure am a loving person; I wish I could show it better and stop looking like a rigid angry girl.

When I go out with my colleague, he never let me pay a cent. He says: “welcome to the south”. I hope that doesn’t make any expectation.

Saturday night

I have never had such long days in my life. I wake up at 6am and I drift away at around 11:30 on weekdays. Actually, weekdays are very good and efficient; I spend 10 hours at work and the rest of each day can pass fast sometimes although some nights every minute seems like an hour. I know everybody would say "good for you" however, there are tons of reasons why I can't enjoy my time and I know when those reasons fade away, days become as short as you can imagine.

Weekends are a disaster. I hope this period ends very soon before I start crying out loudly. I have lived alone in three different countries so far but I don't know why this time has turned out to besuch a killer. I am hopeful though; I believe things will change after a while specially after I get my work permit and fully settle.

I was talking to Hani last weekend and I complained a little and she said: "think of last year that how we both were having very bad times. You should thank God for your situation now"; that is very true. Last year, I had the worst trip home ever. I lost my grandma, God bless her, it's her anniversary today and the harsh break up almost tore me apart. I haven't yet moved on completely and still some of my blue times are caused by it. I still think of him often. I remember once we were disconnected for a week and then he said that I felt like someone has put his feet on the hose of the air I breathe and now even after a year I feel the same and there are some moments that I desperately need to get a sign, a note or at least to hear something about him; just enough to know if he is alright. It is so bitter to know all about someone for years and then you get somehow disconnected that you don’t even know where he is in the earth.

Yet the way I think of him has changed; it is not painful anymore. The only thing that bothers is when I think about his qualities I get a little upset that I lost him. Beside all the talents he had, he was such a good calm boy who never got angry of me when I was a demanding illogical girl in our every discussion. He wanted me to be someone for myself, some strong independent girl. Like a father wishes for his kid. I wish I could tell him I am doing well as you wished. I think he deserves to have someone who really sees his qualities and admires him everyday. Only now, after almost a year I started to notice other guys around me and I see that unconsciously I am attracted to whom has closest characteristic to him. I am not sure if this is really what I want but I am sure that I am comfortable around this kind. Like home sweet home that even if it is not the best, it is comfortable.

I run almost every day. Here, the weather is warm and good. But when I am running, I run out of oxygen. I can’t get enough from the air. The air is full of water.

I am learning too much these days. I hear a hundred new words and expression everyday and it is just more than I can handle.

i = 1
Listen( i )
do while( there_is_new_lesson )
Listen( i + 1 )
Forget( i )
i = i + 1
end do*

I have tons of questions about the details of all the jobs that I do and I am not an asking material whatsoever. I know if I want to know, it is only now than I can ask because after a year of experience it is definitely very disappointing to ask an elementary question about something that I have done for months without knowing.

I have a huge demand of learning more and more about tow boats; I wish I could find a neat efficient reference.

The other day, I went to the shipyard close to our office and I felt so stupid with my useless master degree when I saw that the man working there is a real real engineer. I don’t know if I ever be able to reach to that insight of the problem by sitting in the office, drawing and designing without having sense about the problem. I had to start first working as a labor in a shipyard, and then I would be able to design a section which is weld able. There is no shortcut to that point.

I am talking too much. well you know it’s Saturday night….

Thanks for the correction*

Miss you Mom

This morning, a friend of mine’s parents went to visit him after two years being apart. Every time I picture them meeting each other at the airport tears come to my eyes and I just can’t stop this. It has happened more than 10 times since morning. I am too emotional to handle seeing a mom and a child living apart for a long time.

I can’t wait to hear from them that what happened and how they feel now. I guess I am gonna cry more; it’s not a sad tear though.

Teacher's pet

Tonight I went to play pool with my colleagues: Jason, Marc and Joseph.
Jason is 28 and he is a funny guy who smokes like a chimney and has tattoo everywhere. His long beard, nails and short hair makes him different from other people. He has a big heart; I know that I can tell. He is very helpful, caring and extremely frank that makes me nervous sometimes.
Marc is 25 and married. I never see his wife although I think they should invite me at their place sometimes or at least take me somewhere. Marc is also a naval architect and he is knowledgeable and patient with me and answers my questions. He is a nice guy, I believe. Tonight he drank 3 beers and started to be also a little bit funny. He is fat but his face is pretty.
Joseph is a middle age happy man. He is talky and very intelligent. He knows everything about boats and modeling. He works for the company parttime. He calls me Shazdeh; He already knows several Persian words. He laughs loudly and the office becomes alive those days that he is there.
Joseph said that you know you are teacher's pet in the office. Boss is running around after you all the time and he wants to get you whatever you want and he says: "take care of my little girl" to us and Jason and Marc said:"Oh, yeaaah" :))
I'll let you know about my lovely boss soon.

My trip to the States-part II

We had a trip to Boston planned for the day after, so I had to be there by then. I started to yell at my sister on the phone, although I knew it wasn't her fault that the weather was stormy. I was angry and totally manifested it to her; that's why she came up with the idea of trying to get a bus which would never cross my mind in that situation.
The airport of Toronto is a huge place, with no sign and no one around who knows where is where; I found the bus information anyway and I got very happy when the lady said the bus was gonna leave within an hour.
I was a little worried about my passport because I had a one-entry visa to the States and in the morning the officer voided it. I was concerned about what was gonna happen in the border but I was smiling cause I was finally on my way.
I sat in the front seat and started to really enjoy my trip. The driver was very cool and we talked about football, all the members of his family and my family and politics and Newfoundland all the way. Besides, the road was very beautiful. I finally reached Detroit at 11 pm. I passed the border with no problems.
Yousef picked me up and we went to see Sahar practicing her music at the school late night that night. She still has her kind comforting look as she has always had. I recalled the time two years ago that she and her mom came to see me goodbye early in the morning when my eyes was tearful and I was so scared to leave home.

Ann Arbor is a pretty college town and it's full of young people; that's what I liked about it. I walked in the city the day after my arrival and checked out some old buildings; the city was absolutely alive and colorful; I really enjoyed myself. At night, we went to a bar where I finally got to see the mysterious dude and indeed, (alhagh ke), he was just as good looking and decent as his pictures.
The four of us had planned to go to Baltimore by car and then 2 other guys would join us on the way to Boston. In the morning when we were ready to leave, another friend of them showed up with his car who wanted to visit his aunt in DC; he stole one of our partners meekly and we drove to Baltimore in two cars; I was cursing him inside. Not even half way through, Yousef received a telephone call and surprisingly he had to drive back home for some reason. So we ended up in the other car for the rest of the trip. I was so ashamed of myself because of those unjust curses. I don't know what we would have done if he hadn't been with us.
We arrived in Baltimore that evening and what a gorgeous city it was. The first big city of the States that I saw, and it was awesome. Tall buildings and a huge stadium caught my eyes. The guy who lived in Baltimore was patient enough to give us a nice tour of the city, downtown and the amazing harbor. I wished we could stay there more than one night.
Next morning Yousef caught up with us by plane and we rented a van and headed toward Boston all together.