Saturday night

I have never had such long days in my life. I wake up at 6am and I drift away at around 11:30 on weekdays. Actually, weekdays are very good and efficient; I spend 10 hours at work and the rest of each day can pass fast sometimes although some nights every minute seems like an hour. I know everybody would say "good for you" however, there are tons of reasons why I can't enjoy my time and I know when those reasons fade away, days become as short as you can imagine.

Weekends are a disaster. I hope this period ends very soon before I start crying out loudly. I have lived alone in three different countries so far but I don't know why this time has turned out to besuch a killer. I am hopeful though; I believe things will change after a while specially after I get my work permit and fully settle.

I was talking to Hani last weekend and I complained a little and she said: "think of last year that how we both were having very bad times. You should thank God for your situation now"; that is very true. Last year, I had the worst trip home ever. I lost my grandma, God bless her, it's her anniversary today and the harsh break up almost tore me apart. I haven't yet moved on completely and still some of my blue times are caused by it. I still think of him often. I remember once we were disconnected for a week and then he said that I felt like someone has put his feet on the hose of the air I breathe and now even after a year I feel the same and there are some moments that I desperately need to get a sign, a note or at least to hear something about him; just enough to know if he is alright. It is so bitter to know all about someone for years and then you get somehow disconnected that you don’t even know where he is in the earth.

Yet the way I think of him has changed; it is not painful anymore. The only thing that bothers is when I think about his qualities I get a little upset that I lost him. Beside all the talents he had, he was such a good calm boy who never got angry of me when I was a demanding illogical girl in our every discussion. He wanted me to be someone for myself, some strong independent girl. Like a father wishes for his kid. I wish I could tell him I am doing well as you wished. I think he deserves to have someone who really sees his qualities and admires him everyday. Only now, after almost a year I started to notice other guys around me and I see that unconsciously I am attracted to whom has closest characteristic to him. I am not sure if this is really what I want but I am sure that I am comfortable around this kind. Like home sweet home that even if it is not the best, it is comfortable.

I run almost every day. Here, the weather is warm and good. But when I am running, I run out of oxygen. I can’t get enough from the air. The air is full of water.

I am learning too much these days. I hear a hundred new words and expression everyday and it is just more than I can handle.

i = 1
Listen( i )
do while( there_is_new_lesson )
Listen( i + 1 )
Forget( i )
i = i + 1
end do*

I have tons of questions about the details of all the jobs that I do and I am not an asking material whatsoever. I know if I want to know, it is only now than I can ask because after a year of experience it is definitely very disappointing to ask an elementary question about something that I have done for months without knowing.

I have a huge demand of learning more and more about tow boats; I wish I could find a neat efficient reference.

The other day, I went to the shipyard close to our office and I felt so stupid with my useless master degree when I saw that the man working there is a real real engineer. I don’t know if I ever be able to reach to that insight of the problem by sitting in the office, drawing and designing without having sense about the problem. I had to start first working as a labor in a shipyard, and then I would be able to design a section which is weld able. There is no shortcut to that point.

I am talking too much. well you know it’s Saturday night….

Thanks for the correction*