My 5hip

Enghelab

2009-06-23T11:23:00.002-03:00

Enghelab

شرمسارم که در کنارت نیستم تا در پشت بام فریاد بزنم. قلبم با توست و دعایم برای توست. نامه ات را به گوش همه میرساتم.

Pulp-Fiction

2007-07-27T15:10:00.000-03:00

I think he is an absolute genius.

Pensacola Beach

2007-07-13T23:14:00.000-03:00

Last weekend I went to Pensacola beach which is about 4 hours away from here. The weather was gorgeous and the sea was blue like his eyes when he has a blue shirt on. It was an amazing trip, very relaxing and beautiful but lonely although I wasn't alone. How is that possible?

My weakness against beautiful face and body will finally put me in a big trouble. I lose my mind sometimes. I know that I should stay away from any beautiful person.

I have the most delicious Ash Mash for dinner tonight. It's a big pot; what am I gonna do with that?

VCS

2007-07-13T22:35:00.000-03:00

I am not a Chemical engineer but I managed to prepare a Vapor Control System calculation report for one of our barges. I was very happy yesterday that I couldn't help smiling in my stomach when I read an Email from US coast guard that my report looks good. the funny thing is that I still don't know how a vapor control system works. I think Frank was proud of me.

:D

Reyhan

2007-07-13T21:33:00.000-03:00

I went to Chinese store today and I bought some vegetables that I don't usually see in supermarkets. I bought a bunch of sweet basil and I got all so excited that I would go and buy one of those small BBQ pots and make a real good Kabab Koobideh and have it with my sweet basil.

I don't want to live alone. I don't want to cook for myself and be the only one who enjoys the dish. I hate that nobody in my surrounding could understand me, my food, my enjoyable activities. I want a partner. I want a partner. I have so much energy, life and love that makes me do anything. There is nobody around who can take advantage of me.

I am exhausted. I don't know if I can stand this situation. This is hard I am not kidding. Those who left Iran but always lived in the city with minimum number of Iranians, please don't try to sympathize. You have no clue. I want a friend.

I miss being loved

2007-06-05T20:16:00.000-03:00

How do we know if two people like each other?

They give each other compliments physically and characteristically

They give each other confidence

They repeat what they like about one another.

They enjoy spending time together

They think of the ways that can make the other happy or surprised

They are interested to know about what their partner does and has done.

They want to know about each other’s thoughts and daily stuff.

They are willing to give any services they can.

They think their partner’s problems are theirs also.

They are searching for the activities that they can do together

They try to make the life easier for each other.

They never do anything to hurt each other intentionally

They prefer to do the hard job themselves than their partner.

They are willing to spend money for each other.

------------------------------------------------

Other codes are appreciated.

Family

2007-06-05T20:11:00.000-03:00

How sweet is being with family, I never knew. We had a pretty good family get to gathering consist of three of my mom’s cousins and their family, my parents, my aunt and her husband and more importantly my own cousin who I hadn’t seen her for about 6 years.

I love my friends and I always enjoy being with them but spending time with family is absolutely different. The feeling of being safe and loved is so strong that nothing could ever make you upset or uncomfortable.

It was my first time I saw my mom’s cousin but they looked and behaved exactly like my other uncles and I knew how they were feeling when they hugged and kissed me every hour or so with no occasion. I had the same feeling. It doesn’t matter that we never knew each other. They were so familiar. I wonder how they can be so alike with my other uncles in Iran although they have been apart for almost 30 years. I think there must be something in their blood.

Florida is a beautiful state which could be my next destination if it wasn’t Washington.

The weather was gorgeous but off course it is spring. There is a number of Iranian over there which is another good point. I think I wish to live in between an Iranian community.

Happy Norooz

2007-03-20T16:29:00.000-03:00

I remember last year how sad and meaningless it was celebrating New Year far from home and family. This year I am among lucky people who have their dears close to them at New Year time, thanks to God and luck. However, in another way as I think of last year, it was not very bad. I had many good friends around and we planned a big party which was very nice. I miss my friends and being with them. So it doesn’t matter how it goes. Whatever happens we humans miss something else.

This Year is different for me. I feel independent and stable. A new feeling has begun to grow in my heart although it is still like a little spring leaf but it makes the Eyd more special for me.

My apartment looks quite good and my mom has prepared a beautiful 7-seen table. I wished I could explain to my co-workers how important this day is for us but as much as I don’t have any feelings for or memory from their Christmas, they can’t understand me either. Anyways, it’s kind of strange working on Eyd. That’s why I am writing instead of working.

Happy new year to all you dears.

Iranian Teacher XP

2007-03-10T23:35:00.000-03:00

Take a look at Frank's posts regarding teacher's strike in Iran. People are so angry and upset in Iran while here my biggest problem is that I am bored on weekends.
I went crazy today.

Deaf to evil’s ears

2007-03-01T13:41:00.000-03:00

I have been very happy recently. I was disconnected to people who purposelessly used to bring me down and I am starting to communicate more with pleasant people who make me laugh.

I moved to the new apartment and it’s very exciting for me to prepare my own home for living. I am buying furniture and everything. I didn’t know that a small apartment would need so many things in order to be ready to live in.

It’s a very small and almost old apartment but it’s clean and would make a comfortable but not a perfect home. I’ll post some pictures when it’s ready.

Two of my friends are coming down to visit me and each others. Their bad luck is an empty home. But I am sure it’s gonna be fun.

My parents are in their ways; they are gonna be here in two weeks and this intensifies my happiness.

I have no wish at this time.

There is nothing that a love can't heal

2007-02-27T17:39:00.000-03:00

It was such an amazing day. At noon, my boss told every one that we are having lunch all together and we have meeting. I only recalled my stressful meetings in Sadra. I and Liz joined him in his car. He turned to our street and I asked if we are gonna pick up Geri (my land lady) because she is also doing some thing for the company. He said no Geri is cooking and we all gonna have lunch over there. I still didn’t suspect.

We went in and I was kind of excited that my co-workers are in my place. I went to my room to wash my hands when I heard Geri, calling me to come out. She said then that this is all for you. I am not happy that you are leaving but I know that’s what you wanted and wished for. My boss gave me a big gift card from all my coworkers. Chris gave some cute candles and also another gift card. Rain gave me many towels. I was so emotional and excited that I wanted to kiss every one. But always at such situations, all I do is to stay speechless and behav awkwardly. I never learned to appreciate people with words.

It was the first time in my life that somebody surprised me. I remember last year Hiva tried to surprise Eilnaz for her birthday and it was such a tough job.

Anyways, I am very proud. These people love me.

Based on two real stories

2007-02-11T02:42:00.000-03:00

Part I

She was at work and it was in the afternoon that she received an SMS containing the cruelest words from her crush saying that he doesn’t like her and he is not even sorry about this situation.

She went into a coma for few minutes and when she came back into the life, working wasn’t possible anymore. She took off from the office and jumped into her car with her heart beating so fast and broken into pieces. Tears ran into her face and nobody was around to comfort her. Her whole world fell apart although she saw it coming from the start. Driving safely was not very feasible with her sore heart. She was talking to herself. Words started to boil out in the saddest way possible.

I can’t believe this is happening. It’s against all the world’s rules. I hate that you lie about your feelings, even to yourself. I hate that you are a confused person. But sadly, only the words that came out of your mouth are count.

I hate that I like you so much

But go to the hell; you obviously don’t deserve what I was giving you.

Who did you sell me to?

Part II

She went to check her emails between her classes like always, but this time there was an email she was dreaming of for many days. It was a note from her crush containing the sweetest words. He finally expressed his feelings and that was like a thunder on her body.

She forgot about the next class and rushed out of the computer lab to find a friend to tell what just happened. Her heart was beating so fast and she couldn’t concentrate to think where to go what to do and how to act. Finally, she jumped into her car and went home. Tears covered her face and driving safely was not very feasible with her excited heart.

She was making sentences for the reply.

I have loved you ever since I saw you. I can’t believe this is happening. It’s like a dream not real world. Let’s take advantages of this feeling that we both have. Don’t say goodbye.

----------------------

I wonder how close these two happenings are. Extreme sadness and happiness seems to have the same effect on people. Both last for quit some time. Both occupy all your brain, bring your efficiency to zero and disturb your entire body metabolism. And after these examples you would know that both make you say stupid things.

Live, laugh and love

2007-01-28T22:19:00.000-03:00

The land of free and the home of brave finally agreed that I deserve to see my parents here in my home. I am so happy and I can’t stay calm in my skin whenever I remember that they will be here in no more than two months.

I am seriously looking for an apartment before they come and then I can quit thinking and I am sure my mom would decorate it for me and my father would take care of all manly stuff and I’ll be again the little girl without any responsibilities and I love that feeling and I missed it so much. Life and hope broadly came back to my days. Nothing does matter to me at this time but the family "reunion" for New Year.

It's only family that will stay with us. Friends even the best ones will forget us.

New York not Paris

2007-01-22T02:18:00.000-03:00

My mysterious guy has brought his latest surprise for me. This name is seriously the best name someone ever labeled him.

It’s real hard, time and energy consuming, brain occupying and daydream making to start knowing someone, making friendship, reaching to the point of caring and beginning to have feelings. God damn it; he blew it cheaply. I must have upset him big time with my cruel language. He didn’t even pay me an explanation.

I have not yet written about my trip to New York because I was waiting for the time to be able to make a conclusion of the trip. It seems that the time is not coming close and it’s gonna stay like an open folder in my memory at least for awhile. Some parts of the trip were absolutely fabulous even better than my dreams. We visited Liberty Island and some parts of Metropolitan museum and we walked in the city of most of the movies we ever saw. It was amazing.

If you are in love

2007-01-14T04:43:00.000-03:00

I am the cruelest person with animals. Although I never have the heart to hunt or hurt them but in responding to their pure unconditional feelings and emotions I am not gifted.

My landlady has three cats with three different characteristics. One of them was a kitten when I came here and according to my landlady, he is an absolute sweetheart.

As much as I toss him out of my room, he comes to me more and pets himself with my foot. He never gets upset; he never breaks up with me and gets mad at me. I never think that this animal doesn’t have dignity or pride. I always think that he is full of love. No matter how bad I behave he comes to me again and embarrasses me.

If you were able to forgive someone continuously; forgot the pain he caused with only one word; if you were always willing to go for conciliation even though you were the one who had been disrespected; know that what you feel is love. If you walk forward to fix the problem, It’s not dignity that you lose, it’s a proof of a strong love.

Tag

2007-01-07T17:56:00.000-03:00

Finally someone asked me to participate in this tag game :D Thanks to Alireza .

1) I am strong, I am not fast but I have endurance.
2) My first reaction to any triggers like anger, sadness, happiness, excitement, pain, emotions and injustice is cry. That is not the sign of weakness.
3) I am a controlling person and I like to boss people around but I am a kind of boss whose commands are not what she wants but what she think people want.
4) I love team sports and games.
5) I never go back on my word.

I believe what I think I am is not as important as what my friends see in me. I often doubt about how I express myself because I sometimes see very disappointing reactions from my friend's side. I feel like they have no idea who I am and how I feel.
What I would like to ask from my few friends who come visit my blog is to tell me in a sentence how they see me. That may help me to improve. This is not the place that I expect to read compliments. I need the bitter truth although there might be a sweet truth as well. Even friends who are connected to me only with my blog may have a very correct idea about me cause this spot is the most honest place I express myself in.

People who I am much interested to know about them are those who I check their weblog silently and never put any comments and they never come to pay me a visit. I don't know how I can give them the tag. So I am gonna ask my best friends to disclose 5 secrets about themselves that they think I don't know.

Sara
Yousef
Roozbeh

Christmas gift

2006-12-16T20:06:00.000-03:00

I need help to choose a good book about Iran for my boss as a Christmas gift. I want it to be a recently published book, which looked positively at this poor land. There is always a strange awfully negative documentaries about Iran and Iranian nation in American TV.
It can be History, Picture, or poem?? I don't know what is your suggestion?
My boss is a very alive active 82 years old gentleman. He is interested to know more about Iran, I am sure about that.

Rakhsh

2006-12-15T00:32:00.000-03:00

Anybody needs a ride to anywhere, hang on... Kimi's coming. Just let her know your postal code cause she has to put it in her GPS for directions.

I can't believe how much a little car can bring convenience to a person's life.

Monster

2006-12-12T16:29:00.000-03:00

In my scale, I consider myself a strong girl who got over her past pretty good at this time. I don’t recall my ex- more than a few times per week, very concisely. I hardly ever cried over him in last few months and I even start to have thoughts of another person in my head strongly. However, there are some songs that when they happen to play in the radio, it’s like an invisible monster grabs my heart with his sharp claws and take it out of my chest while it beats with all its power. This feeling is like a 3, 4 second attack and then it goes away but nobody believes how physical it is. I feel my empty chest thoroughly.

I will always wonder if such feelings ever occurred to him since then. I am sure not the same song would have the same effect but there should be at least one song for him. Not that I wish him heart ache, I am just curious with what kind of heart I was dealing with.

The blue cafe (Chris Rea)

My world is miles of endless roads
that leave a trail of broken dreams
where have you been
I hear you say?
I will meet you at the Blue Cafe
Because, this is where the one who knows
Meets the one who does not care
The cards of fate
The older shows
To the younger one, who dares to take
The chance of no return

Where have you been?
Where are you going to?
I want to know what is new
I want to go with you
what have you seen?
What do you know that is new?
Where are you going to?
Because I want to go with you

So meet me down at the Blue Cafe

The cost is great, the price is high
Take all you know, and say goodbye
Your innocence, inexperience
Mean nothing now

Because, this is where the one who knows
Meets the one that does not care
Where have you been?
I hear you say
I'll meet you at the Blue Cafe

so meet me at the Blue Cafe

Post it, girl

2006-12-10T00:01:00.000-03:00

This is the forth post that I am writing since last month and I hope I'll be able to post it and not to delete it. That seems stupid I know, but it's been weeks that I haven't been in a good mood and everything I wrote was nothing but whining and fussing. I just didn't like to post them.

Now, I have got good news. I most probably buy a car on Tuesday. Wish me luck; I was so frustrated of looking hopelessly for a manual transmission car in a good condition, low mileage and a cute dark color. A car that its ex-owner hasn't been smoking in there, definitely not tan color inside, no fat stinky person sitting on my seat to be. After preparing an excel sheet full of my criteria and their weights, I realized that I am no more than a demanding fool and finally decided to squeeze my budget and buy a new car. I practiced to convince myself that with my obsession, this is the most right decision cause I have never been a second hand user in my life, neither was my mom. It's genetic and I have to pay for it.

I won't give you headache, once I decided to go for a brand new car, this advertise showed up in the paper and a decent looking guy brought the car for me to test drive it, and it was cool. I liked it so much that I accepted to buy a car even without power lock. So lets have some Champaign. Cheers. By the way, I bought a navigator for my car to be.

My land lady's grandson who is 5 years old has this habitual phrase: "Oh, lordy". He is the cutest, sweetest kid I have ever seen but I still cannot manage to be patient to sit and spend time with him the way my aunts and uncles used to do with us.

My friends are coming to stay with me in Christmas and I am very excited. I still don't know how to entertain them but I am sure we will be fine.

I found an Iranian friend who is coming to study in NewOrleans and it's like a relief for me. I am so tired of being always around foreigners. I definitely needed an Iranian friend close by. Although I don't know him so much but I have this intuition that we will get along.

I am going to New York for New Year with some dears. I dream of it days and nights. I hope my heart allows me to fully enjoy the trip because it beats so hard recently. I can't help it.

Happy birthday, Sis. Part3

2006-11-16T23:39:00.000-03:00

My first time in “Golab darre” and It was such a cold wet weather that every body started complaining very quickly. We walked upward a little like an hour or less and we reached to a very small place that we could get hot tea if it wasn’t an unpleasant weather but we were lucky that the guy was sleeping in his small cabin so that we could wake him up for a tea and hot water. He gave me a bottle and asked me to fill it up if I wanted him to boil it for me. All the guys were talking and joking so I was the only poor Cosette who had to go and fill the bottle from the source among the snow. It wasn’t far away though.

We had the tea and we headed up after that but our clothes and socks were all wet and we were extremely cold. After about half an hour we saw a bower and we decided to stay under the bower and make our fire. I could see a small house close to the bower so after unsuccessfully trying to fire our wet coal we decided to take a look inside the house. There were 3 men in the house and also a fire place and they kindly offered us to go in and warm ourselves up. Finally we went in by turn, four or five people at each time to dry our clothes and warm ourselves. We took the flame from them and lightened our fire and started to put the chickens onto sticks. Everybody brought chicken two or three times more than what they actually needed because they thought that there might be someone who didn’t bring any. In brief it was a lot of food that took hours to be eaten. The trip started to be very fun. I went inside the house with my sister and two other guys plus the new dude. We started talking for the first time and we exchanged our names and some information and I realized that he is in our school a year older than me and almost has the same birthday as me. I noticed his nice smile with all of his well-arranged teeth. I burned my socks while we were talking.

I don’t recall how we got to the subject of broken legs and head and everybody was telling their stories about how they broke their leg or hand and in my turn I said I have never had a broken part in my body, and then he jumped in and asked :" not even your heart?" And I thought for a few seconds and confidently answered:"No, not even my heart". I believe that was the time when he decided to break my heart so that I would have a broken part in my body like other people and I wouldn’t run out of broken-part-stories in such occasions. I have to admit that my heart was so soft that it took 6 years for him to be able to break it in pieces.

This picnic was one of the most amazing trips I ever had during my school time. I discovered many of my current best friends which was the best outcome of a single day. I am glad I kept the memory fresh in my mind every year because it was my sister’s birthday, and of course the day I met the first man I truely loved, but hopefully not the last.

I am sorry it was not a story worthy of sharing with other people; I did decide and like to write it down, while I am trying hard to forget all about it, because I believe it lays here forever so I can get over it without any concern.

Happy birthday, Sis. Part2

2006-11-12T16:13:00.000-03:00

In Tehran, it’s not a normal weather condition to have snow in November but specially our Thursday turn out to have a freezing rain in the city and snow on the mountain. In the morning my parents told us not to go, nobody will show up and you can’t make fire in this rain for your kabaab. I had to go on my appointment with friends because I was the one who called everybody and invited them. There were some people invited whom I didn’t know but their names. Someone was invited whom I didn’t even know his name.

Finally we were there and surprisingly many of our friends showed up one by one and I was very happy. We were in “pole Tajrish” waiting for the new guy who were lost somewhere in Ghods square. We discussed if this is a good idea to go on in this weather or not and we mostly agreed that we are here now and lets go for it to see what will happen. The distracted new dude finally found us and we jumped on a minibus to go to “Golaab darreh”. He was very tall, and although I wasn’t very happy with his absent mindedness, I gave my seat to him so that he wouldn't have to bend all the way. That was my first favor and the begining.

To be continued..

Happy birthday, Sis. Part1

2006-11-12T01:22:00.000-03:00

I can’t believe it was seven years ago. I was in second year of school and just found some friends that I really liked to hang out with. I and S. wanted to arrange a mountain climbing trip with many people on some Thursday which was accidentally my sister’s birthday.

My sister and I are a year and half apart but we are so much different that we hardly ever attend to each other’s friends get-to-gathering. She is not an outgoing, nature lover, camping trip material whatsoever. I knew my mother would never permit me to go out with my friends on my sister’s birthday so the plan changed slightly and I started to work on my sister and convince her to go with us. I agreed that it is gonna be more like a picnic trip rather than a “mountain climbing” which sounded so stupid to her. We managed to invite some of her friends so that it would be more fun for her.

I remember that with all these compensations, she didn’t give me a “Yes, I am going” until the day.

Since we were not supposed to go up, we needed to spend our time somehow so we decided to cook and eat. “jooje kabaab” could be the most time consuming food we could make. I had invited about 20 people and S. had invited about 10 people and we told everybody to bring his/her own chicken, stick and bread.

To be continued..

Confused

2006-11-10T16:16:00.000-03:00

Shoot, my blog's birthday passed and I didn't even notice.

I pay 25% of my salary for taxes!!!! Is it the same in all the states? I was so disappointed when I see my first payroll. The first thought that crossed my mind is that what am I doing here? I am not gonna live in a lower standard of life than how I was living in Iran. This is not so gonna happen. Oh, God. I should think about it.

I miss home a lot.

Yes, employed

2006-11-06T02:12:00.000-03:00

The longest week ever has finally passed and I am in my first official weekend. That feels good.

Every city has its own system. I can't find a house or an apartment in Houma to rent with my experience in Gothenburg, St.john's or Tehran. I am disappointed to be able to find a decent apartment here. There is nothing.

I got my first check and I put it under my pillow as a friend of mine suggested. He said it takes a week to be doubled and I was so proud of him because he asked me if I am happy instead of asking the value of my check. I hate when people even the closest ones like my mom ask my salary. She never does though. I mean it’s a very personal question; I never dare to ask anybody. Even when they ask mine I am shy to ask them back or to say it’s not any of your business. I would tell if I wanted to. It’s kind of funny and I hate to say that it’s all about Iranians but when I said I found a job to any of my friends if my salary wasn’t the first question, it was definitely the second one.

Anyways, I bought a bunch of flowers for my land lady. No more people are around to celebrate with. I wish I could buy something for my parents.

My boss gave me a task which I really didn’t think it was easy but then he smiled at me and said:”You are still in kindergarten, babe, but we are gonna get you out of it”.

I attended to the mass this morning and I should confess that all religious ceremonies are extremely similar and stupid.

Finally home

2006-10-26T21:27:00.000-03:00

Geri has changed my room’s floor to wood and it is now very pretty and she changed some pieces of the furniture hoping that I would like it and I would stay more. I probably stay for awhile. She was about to cry in the airport when she saw me. I really like her. I have been lucky all my life about the people I happened to live with and need them.

Last night, I went to some parking lots to watch cars for sale. One of them caught my eyes badly. What do you think? It’s expensive though. I first have to check out if I can get a loan.

Tomorrow is the first day of work and I still don’t feel like to start. I guess I am afraid and still not confident about what I can do.

I watched the DVD of my friend’s vocal and that was absolutely awesome. I never listen to traditional music. It is boring and too slow for me to follow the rhythm but in this one I just couldn’t help but enjoy. He sounded so powerful and manly while singing soft words. I loved it.

The weather is beautiful here. Still inside of the stores are colder than outside.

Surly girl

2006-10-26T20:41:00.000-03:00

In the plane heading New Orleans.

My land lady (Geri) is gonna pick me up at the airport; she is very kind. I hope I can find a nice place to live and buy a decent car. I have to get the social security number before everything and get my driving license.

I don’t feel good at all. I feel depressed. Tomato juice tastes terrible who invented this as a beverage? I hate him. I want something and I don’t know what it is. Life is getting harder and harder as we live. Why is that?

Some very young guy started talking to me in the previous plane and then asked if he can have my phone number. I didn’t know what to say so I gave it to him. He was like twenty or something working in navy. I have no idea what that would mean to him that I gave my number and I don’t wanna think about it.

I have two DVDs from my friend’s vocal which I really really want to listen now but I don’t know why it asks for special decoder. Darn. This was definitely the only thing that could calm me down.

Blue evening

2006-10-26T20:36:00.000-03:00

This is the end of a one-month journey and I feel like I am in a very depressing Friday afternoon (Sunday afternoon). I am sitting in the Starbucks downtown Ann Arbor and I always foolishly thought that internet is free in Starbucks.

The longest vacation of my entire life is just finishing and all that I have are memories of the very great times I had with my friends in Ann Arbor, St. John’s, Ottawa, Montréal, Kitchener, Toronto and Chicago, the beautiful places I visited and my credit cards’ bills.

I got promises from all my friends to come to visit me in Louisiana and I keep hoping that happens soon.

I am quite proud of myself because. I spent my time with many different types of people with different interests, activities and funs, different conveniences and levels of life but I easily managed to have a wonderful time with all of them and enjoyed being with them second by second heartily. It means either I was so desperate to have any type of enjoyment so that anything could have been fun for me or I am a people person meaning I am at my best when I am with people and I can fit in whatever is going on around me. This flexibly and freedom is something that I always look for it in my partner’s characteristics so obviously I am proud if I am having it myself.

Tonight I am going to Salsa dancing with a Lebanese girl. I think it’s gonna be fun.

Consultations

2006-10-02T01:39:00.000-03:00

I have been thinking about something seriously ever since I talk to an old friend after awhile.

Do I prefer to love or be loved? Which person do I have to choose? : The one who excites me and makes my heart beats like a drum although I see some of his flaws or the one that I know he loves me with his heart and admires me and I can’t find anything wrong with him. I am pretty sure that I will have a peaceful life with him.

I don’t know why but I believe most of the people would choose the safe second choice. Logically, I can’t explain why but I know that some characteristics, like mine, could hardly go for the second choice. I am a girl with taste and opinion. I have had an effect on any decision ever made anyhow related to me. I am not an “I agree” girl whatsoever. I am willing to control all the situations and boss people around. I can’t bear to be chosen I do want to choose myself.

I believe love is a blessing and I can’t give it up to another good feeling which is being loved. I love to love someone; I want the feeling that makes me sacrifice my whole time and life and fills me with forgiveness and patience. I’d rather to give than to get and that’s not ever gonna happen unless I’d be captivated with or drawn in someone.

My aunt disagrees completely. She believes marriage is a contract. You have to choose the one that is willing to give you as much as you will to give. Love is not a necessary component and it would be enough to feel good about the person. She says the lover is a loser in marriage.

A few weeks back, I talked to the old friend. We used to be very close pen friends and also neighbors when I was 18, 19 or so. He was 5 years older than me, a very educated, cultured, mature, literate and wise person and I was in my childish world, talking of my silly stories. I always looked at him as a big man who knows every thing. I believe he truly liked me; he had never hesitated to admire me and express his feelings. He had always made me feel more self-confident. Later on that era, I met someone and me and my pen friend pretty much stopped talking. Maybe once in 6 months, we exchanged a greeting email.

Last year he notified me that he is involved with some girl, of course that I was absolutely happy for him but I can’t deny that I felt surrendered for a few hours. Even if you don’t have any plan for someone it always feels good to know someone likes you out there. I reviewed some of his emails, felt a little upset and got over it quickly.

They broke up for some reason and all the memories came back to my mind when last week he asked me to send him our letter’s archive because he had lost them in a hard drive accident. He is still the same man and I am a little grown up and our age difference doesn’t seem to be as huge as it used to be. I believe he still likes me and I still live in my dreamy world looking for the one who can take my breath away yet a little anxious because I am getting old and I live in a city with no potential partner.

I had talked about my mysterious guy who now I know him better; it’s been 7 months so far. He is sitting in front of me studying and looks most attractive in his red shirt with his runny nose and his unresponsive eyes. I am listening to the song singing “There is a boy trying to steal my heart and I am tempted.. It’s so hard to resist ..” and I really am tempted. It’s a pity that he is not interested; I strongly wanted to make this work but obviously he lives in his own dreamy world and doesn’t want to give it up soon. I don’t complain I don’t take offence and I never condemn him because I know exactly how he feels; I’ve been there. Nothing in this world remains without answer.

It’s hard for me to give up on him. The most stupid reason that he is wanted this much is that he behaves just like my ex-partner and I somehow sure that if anytime in the future they get to meet each other, he will like him and would be proud of me for my choice. I am not sure if I like this characteristic or I just got used to it but the only thing I am sure of is that I have already been attracted to two people from this type. maybe that really is my taste.

I sure should do something about him. He starts to be a pain. Disconnection could be an option; however it feels kind of stupid between adults. I don’t know; I should think more. I wished relationships were easier than this.

PS1:

به دنبال چیستی؟
دوست بداری یا دوستت بدارند؟
اگر میخواهی دوست بداری،
دوستت دارم

جواد شریفیان

Traveling

2006-10-01T17:20:00.000-03:00

Finally I am at the airport waiting for the flight and I don’t envy those who have their buddies with them cause I do have mine.

It is gonna be a perfect trip for me starting now. I will visit all my dears every where in this continent. I have decided to forget about expenses and try to visit as many cities as possible because it might be my last trip to Canada at least for awhile. St.john’s, Ottawa, Montreal, Toronto and Kitchener are in my schedule at the moment.

Although I am a little anxious about getting my work permit visa but I can definitely say that this trip is like a relaxation for me after 3 months working and living alone with strangers and least convenience possible. I almost have no worries no fears no responsibilities and concerns and it absolutely feels incredible. I feel free and open to enjoy traveling.

My beautiful co-workers gave a paper full of their notes and wishes and it was so sweet. There is this girl working with us, Talia, she is a quiet, pretty, nice girl. I believe the card was her idea.

I had my nails done for the first time in my life; I am a little bit excited. Never had this feeling of long nails. I would say the fingers are quite useless when you have long nails, or maybe I am not use to it. It looks pretty though. Yet it doesn’t go with my jeans and casual way of dressing.

I will stay for a few days in Michigan and I love to stay there. You know. I wish I could get more feedback from whom I think of a lot.

PS2: Teacher's pet

2006-09-13T19:46:00.000-03:00

He comes to my office sometimes and says: "Whachu got, babe? "

Lovebugs invasion

2006-09-12T23:14:00.000-03:00

It’s two weeks that bugs have invaded our area, and It seems like a a yearly event. They are everywhere and they can make a surface fully dark. They are called Lovebugs or Honeymoon fly because two of them are attached to each other mating in public; impossible to find a single one.

It’s been challenging for me to ride my bike. They don’t hesitate to go directly to my eyes and nose and ears and definitely mouth if I’d ever be brave to open it. I am obliged to quit singing when I ride.

Air Supply

2006-08-30T14:19:00.000-03:00

I was about 12 and we had the old satellite in our house with channels like ChV, StarPlus, CNN, Sport and etc. I used to only watch channelV because it was music and there was no need for English understanding. Simpsons in StarPlus was also one of my favorites.

There was this song in the music channel from Air Supply, named Goodbye. In its music video, there was a pretty girl with dark long straight hair riding a bike with her light dress. At least that’s how I remember. Her hair and dress was moving with the wind and I was imagining how great she must feel.

The song was very pretty and I knew it must be a little sad cause I could understand some of the sentences but every time I listened to it I only remembered the great feeling of riding bike with long hair and skirt in a nice weather.

Last year in Sweden, I caught my dream of riding my bike with skirt and no scarf but it was too much windy and I couldn’t enjoy enough by watching my skirt to stay decent.

PS: If you are interested to have the song, send me an email.

**************************

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

Frank

2006-08-28T14:33:00.000-03:00

I was looking for a job and I sent emails to every related company all over the world. A few of them replied back with a few questions about my immigration status and between them there was one person that asked for references. His name was Frank. So I introduced my supervisor and my boss in Iran where I used to work. He never contacted them.

He called me on the phone and after a long greeting asked me if I knew Ship Construction and AutoCAD. He sounded very kind, quite funny and totally informal. However, my heart was beating crazy in my chest while I was talking to him. He apologized and asked my age.

He called me again a few days later and said “I would like you to work for us via email until you graduated because we need a hand right now”. And I said “Yes”. I know he wanted to test me. The first job was kind of stupid and I finished it very quickly and the next one had needed more education but still it was a big work with the least brain work. I sent the result little by little and I believe he was pleased. He sent me letters full of compliments and we were in contact by phone every week. He asked me to come down to the States for the interview, I was a little nervous yet I was quite sure that he wanted me.

Everything was so friendly. It would be fun if I posted his invitation letter here. It was the most informal and friendly invitation possible. He invited me to see the beautiful south Louisiana, try various delicious dishes, go fishing and reminded me to bring light clothes and especially not to forget my swimming suit because they have a pool and the weather is hot. He also invited me to stay in the guest room of their own house. It was sweet and I could tell he is a nice old man. I submitted the invitation with that content to US embassy. I bet the officer was smiling while he was reading it.

I came down after a month and he came to pick me up me at the airport and I couldn’t believe how old he was. Definitely over 80. Now I realize he is 82.

He works 7 days a week and he is the first to come and the last to leave the office. He has a sense of humor like a young man and he is very active and dreamer like he is gonna live forever. He has planned for at least ten years later. He has a good memory and beside all his business he pays attention to everybody, well, specially me; he took care of everything for me: He got a house; prepared a bike; gave me ride to wherever I wanted to go. He asks me everyday about what I need, what I did and what I ate. He is like a picky grand father. He definitely treated me like his family. I have never seen an old man have such presence of mind.

I must burn some Sepand tonight for him.

Last night, he and his wife came over for dinner. I cooked “baghali polo ba mahiche” for them and it was so widely delicious. I can’t believe how I did that. It was even better than “Farsi”s food. Anyways, he brought Champagne and it was my first time to drink Champagne. I really liked it better than wine. Drinking Champagne here is just like our costume of killing lamb in happy occasions.

One more month

2006-08-26T18:08:00.000-03:00

I was so excited when the lawyer said the approval of my work permit will be here in two weeks and I planned my trip back to Canada in order to exit the States and enter again with a fully legal status for making money. Then I could get a driving license, rent an apartment, buy a car and stop living like a traveler. Now, they have returned my documents and asked for a hundred extra evidences. My flights, my appointment with US embassy and most importantly my wishes to see some familiar faces after 2 two months are ruined and I am haunted by anxiety about not being able to get this freaking permit.

Every job related to the US government is just a pain in somewhere. Paper work is so slow, totally different than Canada more like Iran. Bank is an example. In Canada, when you enter to the bank someone receives you and guide you to a well-dressed (suit-wearn) handsome man or woman while they all smiling at you. When you want to open an account they have you in a private room with coffee and cookie and they explain every thing to you and once you opened the account you are gonna have your debit card in hand the same day and the online service is available to do whatever transaction you wish to do. Believe me, you get uncomfortable as much that they respect you. Here, when you go to the bank they behave like you are a piece of a shit, "sit here", " sign this"," read this" and "wait three weeks until you get your debit card" and after three weeks you are still calling them seeking for the card which is lost in the post somewhere or there had been something wrong with the order and they had to do it again. Their online service is ridiculous. They killed the dragon and now you can only see on the website what your balance is, nothing more. Every state has its own banks and you won't find a branch of your bank in another state and remember every transaction between banks has charges.

Same happens for post. I sent a certified mail to my cousin in Florida. It is now 5 weeks, and it neither returned to me nor arrived to the destination. When I tracked it said it returned to the sender because of some problems 3 weeks ago. Only god knows where my poor letter is.

Joseph, my colleague, says we put all the slow dumb people to work for government so that they won’t bother us.

The gorgeous weather of here makes me crazy. Summer rain brings the smell of love and life to me. I can forget and forgive all my madness in a second when I breathe this air. I sure am a loving person; I wish I could show it better and stop looking like a rigid angry girl.

When I go out with my colleague, he never let me pay a cent. He says: “welcome to the south”. I hope that doesn’t make any expectation.

Saturday night

2006-08-20T03:02:00.000-03:00

I have never had such long days in my life. I wake up at 6am and I drift away at around 11:30 on weekdays. Actually, weekdays are very good and efficient; I spend 10 hours at work and the rest of each day can pass fast sometimes although some nights every minute seems like an hour. I know everybody would say "good for you" however, there are tons of reasons why I can't enjoy my time and I know when those reasons fade away, days become as short as you can imagine.

Weekends are a disaster. I hope this period ends very soon before I start crying out loudly. I have lived alone in three different countries so far but I don't know why this time has turned out to besuch a killer. I am hopeful though; I believe things will change after a while specially after I get my work permit and fully settle.

I was talking to Hani last weekend and I complained a little and she said: "think of last year that how we both were having very bad times. You should thank God for your situation now"; that is very true. Last year, I had the worst trip home ever. I lost my grandma, God bless her, it's her anniversary today and the harsh break up almost tore me apart. I haven't yet moved on completely and still some of my blue times are caused by it. I still think of him often. I remember once we were disconnected for a week and then he said that I felt like someone has put his feet on the hose of the air I breathe and now even after a year I feel the same and there are some moments that I desperately need to get a sign, a note or at least to hear something about him; just enough to know if he is alright. It is so bitter to know all about someone for years and then you get somehow disconnected that you don’t even know where he is in the earth.

Yet the way I think of him has changed; it is not painful anymore. The only thing that bothers is when I think about his qualities I get a little upset that I lost him. Beside all the talents he had, he was such a good calm boy who never got angry of me when I was a demanding illogical girl in our every discussion. He wanted me to be someone for myself, some strong independent girl. Like a father wishes for his kid. I wish I could tell him I am doing well as you wished. I think he deserves to have someone who really sees his qualities and admires him everyday. Only now, after almost a year I started to notice other guys around me and I see that unconsciously I am attracted to whom has closest characteristic to him. I am not sure if this is really what I want but I am sure that I am comfortable around this kind. Like home sweet home that even if it is not the best, it is comfortable.

I run almost every day. Here, the weather is warm and good. But when I am running, I run out of oxygen. I can’t get enough from the air. The air is full of water.

I am learning too much these days. I hear a hundred new words and expression everyday and it is just more than I can handle.

i = 1
Listen( i )
do while( there_is_new_lesson )
Listen( i + 1 )
Forget( i )
i = i + 1
end do*

I have tons of questions about the details of all the jobs that I do and I am not an asking material whatsoever. I know if I want to know, it is only now than I can ask because after a year of experience it is definitely very disappointing to ask an elementary question about something that I have done for months without knowing.

I have a huge demand of learning more and more about tow boats; I wish I could find a neat efficient reference.

The other day, I went to the shipyard close to our office and I felt so stupid with my useless master degree when I saw that the man working there is a real real engineer. I don’t know if I ever be able to reach to that insight of the problem by sitting in the office, drawing and designing without having sense about the problem. I had to start first working as a labor in a shipyard, and then I would be able to design a section which is weld able. There is no shortcut to that point.

I am talking too much. well you know it’s Saturday night….

Thanks for the correction*

Miss you Mom

2006-08-10T19:02:00.000-03:00

This morning, a friend of mine’s parents went to visit him after two years being apart. Every time I picture them meeting each other at the airport tears come to my eyes and I just can’t stop this. It has happened more than 10 times since morning. I am too emotional to handle seeing a mom and a child living apart for a long time.

I can’t wait to hear from them that what happened and how they feel now. I guess I am gonna cry more; it’s not a sad tear though.

Teacher's pet

2006-08-09T21:32:00.000-03:00

Tonight I went to play pool with my colleagues: Jason, Marc and Joseph.
Jason is 28 and he is a funny guy who smokes like a chimney and has tattoo everywhere. His long beard, nails and short hair makes him different from other people. He has a big heart; I know that I can tell. He is very helpful, caring and extremely frank that makes me nervous sometimes.
Marc is 25 and married. I never see his wife although I think they should invite me at their place sometimes or at least take me somewhere. Marc is also a naval architect and he is knowledgeable and patient with me and answers my questions. He is a nice guy, I believe. Tonight he drank 3 beers and started to be also a little bit funny. He is fat but his face is pretty.
Joseph is a middle age happy man. He is talky and very intelligent. He knows everything about boats and modeling. He works for the company parttime. He calls me Shazdeh; He already knows several Persian words. He laughs loudly and the office becomes alive those days that he is there.
Joseph said that you know you are teacher's pet in the office. Boss is running around after you all the time and he wants to get you whatever you want and he says: "take care of my little girl" to us and Jason and Marc said:"Oh, yeaaah" :))
I'll let you know about my lovely boss soon.

My trip to the States-part II

2006-08-06T00:46:00.000-03:00

We had a trip to Boston planned for the day after, so I had to be there by then. I started to yell at my sister on the phone, although I knew it wasn't her fault that the weather was stormy. I was angry and totally manifested it to her; that's why she came up with the idea of trying to get a bus which would never cross my mind in that situation.
The airport of Toronto is a huge place, with no sign and no one around who knows where is where; I found the bus information anyway and I got very happy when the lady said the bus was gonna leave within an hour.
I was a little worried about my passport because I had a one-entry visa to the States and in the morning the officer voided it. I was concerned about what was gonna happen in the border but I was smiling cause I was finally on my way.
I sat in the front seat and started to really enjoy my trip. The driver was very cool and we talked about football, all the members of his family and my family and politics and Newfoundland all the way. Besides, the road was very beautiful. I finally reached Detroit at 11 pm. I passed the border with no problems.
Yousef picked me up and we went to see Sahar practicing her music at the school late night that night. She still has her kind comforting look as she has always had. I recalled the time two years ago that she and her mom came to see me goodbye early in the morning when my eyes was tearful and I was so scared to leave home.

Ann Arbor is a pretty college town and it's full of young people; that's what I liked about it. I walked in the city the day after my arrival and checked out some old buildings; the city was absolutely alive and colorful; I really enjoyed myself. At night, we went to a bar where I finally got to see the mysterious dude and indeed, (alhagh ke), he was just as good looking and decent as his pictures.
The four of us had planned to go to Baltimore by car and then 2 other guys would join us on the way to Boston. In the morning when we were ready to leave, another friend of them showed up with his car who wanted to visit his aunt in DC; he stole one of our partners meekly and we drove to Baltimore in two cars; I was cursing him inside. Not even half way through, Yousef received a telephone call and surprisingly he had to drive back home for some reason. So we ended up in the other car for the rest of the trip. I was so ashamed of myself because of those unjust curses. I don't know what we would have done if he hadn't been with us.
We arrived in Baltimore that evening and what a gorgeous city it was. The first big city of the States that I saw, and it was awesome. Tall buildings and a huge stadium caught my eyes. The guy who lived in Baltimore was patient enough to give us a nice tour of the city, downtown and the amazing harbor. I wished we could stay there more than one night.
Next morning Yousef caught up with us by plane and we rented a van and headed toward Boston all together.

My buddy

2006-07-29T13:21:00.000-03:00

Loneliness lets me lay down on my bed and have my buddy on my feet and do whatever I want till whenever I want without thinking of any obligations. How long am I gonna survive this way?

My trip to the States - Part I

2006-07-25T20:48:00.000-03:00

Everybody dreams when s/he wants to go to a trip and I am not an exceptional. I had planned to stay with my friends for a week and God knows how much I had thought about every detail of the trip even about the probable conversations that might occur :)) What's happening most of the time, when you are so expecting an event, is that as time arrives, you see it was not as fantastic as you imagined and just get pissed off. Ahha, that wasn't my case though. :)
After a sleepless night my sister took me to the airport early morning. I had only 2 hours flight to the destination, but I went 4 hours earlier to the airport because the US console is located in Toronto airport and I knew the interview might take long. My aunt had missed her flight only because she was traveling with a few other foreigners who also needed to be interviewed. My flight was at 1pm and I was there at 9 am.
I had made up my face; I wanted to look pretty because I thought maybe, 10%, the mysterious guy come along with Y to collect me at the airport. The interview with US custom took 45 minutes and they only didn't ask if I had gone to toilet that morning or not; otherwise they asked everything. At 10 am, I was in the waiting room envying people who had laptop because there was wireless connection in the airport. As I was getting closer to the departure, I was getting more excited. The time that I was expecting for months is coming closer. Finally, at 12:30, they announced that the flight is canceled because of the bad weather condition. There is no flight for today; the first flight is tomorrow morning. There we go; nice spring is a sign of a good coming year.
Airport is an hour far away from Kitchener; I know my sister had a talk tomorrow morning. I thought of going back by bus without calling her but I just had too much luggage; I could not move. I have a cousin in Toronto but I didn't want to call her. Her baby was sick and also her house was located right on the other side of the Toronto. I sat in there for a while and finally I called my sister because I knew she is gonna call my friends in the States to see if I've arrived. She said she is gonna pick me up and she has checked the weather and tomorrow is gonna be storm as well. I got so disappointed.

Two keys on my key chain

2006-07-23T21:21:00.000-03:00

A month has passed since the day I left St.john's and it felt like a year for me. I made the big decision and I finally followed my heart and interest for the first time in my life. I quit the doctorate program and came down in Louisiana to experience a totally different life.
There was this job opportunity that I had talked about before. They accepted me quickly not only as an employee but as a member of their family. It is a small company designing mostly tug boats and I believe working here is a challenging job and I am going to learn a lot in a short time because there are not so many people here and one person does all the parts of one project so I am gonna learn not only the structure but also piping, machinery, construction, hull design and so on. I can confidently say I love to work with them. If I'll be able to secure working Visa here in states, I will stay.
I am now happy with the situation but I must say that the city sucks. Here is a small ugly dead city. Without car, you are helpless. The distances are far and no public transportation whatsoever. You never see a walking person, even in the street intersections there is no light for pedestrian. No road for bikes and people drive very careless to the bikers. There is no school in the city that's why I think it is city for old people. Not many young people around. No activity is going on in the city and it is just so boring. I don't believe if I can eventually find any friend here. It is so hard to make contact out of school; absolutely no way to meet people. I don't know maybe I am too much disappointed. I can't even find a dancing class.
Anyways, I must not be negative. The weather is gorgeous here though, just the way I love. Cloudy warm with everyday summer rain which cools down the evening. They say in the August, it is gonna be intolerable but I don't believe. I am Booshehr's girl though.
Working hours is 7 in the morning till 5 pm. I am serious; my friend told me welcome to the United States when I said it surprisingly.
Good news is I bought a Laptop and that's what I wanted so badly for two years but I couldn't figure enough reasoning to buy one. I named it "My buddy".

The two keys are for my home and my bike :D

Fishing

2006-07-22T06:32:00.000-03:00

I'm gone fishing
I got me a line
Nothing I do is gonna make the difference
So I'm taking the time
And you ain't never gonna be happy
Anyhow, anyway
So I'm gone fishing
And I'm going today
I'm gone fishing
Sounds crazy I know
I know nothing about fishing
But just watch me go
And when my time has come
I will look back and see
Peace on the shoreline
That could have been me
You can waste a whole lifetime
Trying to be
What you think is expected of you
But you'll never be free
May as well go fishing
(Chris Rea)

I will write this weekend; I have a lot to say. Just check out my node in your blogs; you'll be surprised about where I am now.

My key-chain

2006-06-27T02:00:00.000-03:00

.

One of the signs of being homeless is that your key-chain is empty.

I'd had a couple of drinks, but I still heard that caressing touch on my neck. It smoothly transferred all the feelings and cares which I wish I had never received. It only resulted a crying day of departure.

Kitchener is a nice city; there are so many pretty houses, mostly old. Fruits, vegetables and meats are extremely cheaper than st.john's with a lot more variety. That's why my sister couldn't believe I spend about 300$ per month only for home cooked food while I am keeping the track of the fruit I am eating.

Today, a year has passed from the day I tasted a bitter failure. It still hurts sometimes, but God knows how much I am happy now and energetic to move forward. I am so thankful; I lost something important in my life instead I am close to one of my dreams. There is a balance in everything.

A little from everywhere

2006-06-15T16:31:00.000-03:00

I am saying the girl who survived driving in Tehran should not be obliged to pass another exam to get license. I am going to have the Road test exam on Tuesday; I have no car though. Why getting a driving license is so expensive here?? Wish me luck, your wishes always work.

As I get closer to moving, I more feel I like it here. I missed St. John’s’ summer and lots of its tourist attractions, which only happens in summer.

I am going to stay for a week in Kitchener with sister and friends. I have been there in Christmas, so I know the taste of Kabaab of the Iranian restaurant, yet Sara said they are closing; that’s unfortunate. I think I need to work on some drawings during this time, but I don’t have AutoCad. I wished I could find a friend in the school to use their computer lab.

There have been 6 people in my life, who had no relation with each other, and have made similar comments about my laugh. They said when I laugh, it seems like I laugh from the bottom of my heart. I am proud to receive this compliment several times because I, myself, like happy people. My sis used to say shut up, laugh silently; my mum always measures my spirit condition with the sound of my laugh, now that she doesn’t hear, she just asks. ”Are you laughing as you know I like, nazi?”

I have problems to recognize suitable dress for every occasion. I took a look at a Dress Code book in the library, but I found it useless for nowadays. The world seems to change very fast and switch to have no rules regarding to this culture- and taste-dependent issue. Anyways, I need a consultant. I don’t want to look strange.

Recently, I found a radio channel in Canadian channels for Country music and I really like it. I admit that most of the country songs sound similar and might be a little boring, but the thing that attracts me is the story behind each song. I found some of them very energizing, although the story might be a little sad. My favorite singers are Garth Brooks, great George Strait, David Ball, Holly Dunn.

Moving

2006-06-09T22:01:00.000-03:00

Moving is not my thing whatsoever. It seems that my destiny consist of nothing but lots of moving.
We lived in Booshehr until I was 6. Although I was a kid, I do remember our alley, our neighbors and my friends, the house, my room, the yard with the swing that my father had made and the backyard which we only used to make Kabaab. Everything is carved in my brain clearly.

Kimi & sis 1364(1985) Booshehr

Then we left the house of memories, moved to Tehran, and my first year at school was in Tehran. I was lucky that I wasn’t a fan of school and education whatsoever since the beginning otherwise I would have problems to leave again the place I love. After two years when the schools got closed in the middle of the year because of the war and bombards, we moved to Bandar Anzali.
My mum’s family are from north of Iran, so when we were in Anzali, we have been close to some relatives, and also everything sounds familiar. The accent and dialect was just like how I used to hear my grandma spoke. This made me love everybody around and finally feel like home and happy. The apartment we were living in was huge. Three over-sized bedrooms with a vast hall with tall windows. The view of the kitchen was sea. Gorgeous.
We spent 5 years in this city and I was old enough to memorize all the details. I had made hundred of friends and I would say that it was the first place that I really felt I belong to. The smell of the city and Saturday market would be the smell of home for me forever.
I was 13 and once again we moved to Tehran. That was the time I noticed the importance of having a big house. Our house in Tehran was small like a prison. The moving this time was rather hard for me. Moving from a small city to a huge city is tough for a kid. I got used to a school with 1 class (20 students) for each level, where the teachers, principal and students all know each other. Then in Tehran, I went to a school with 17 classes (40 students) for each level. It was gross. Nobody knew you and you hardly know your own classmates. I start to have very bad marks. I totally surprised my parents with my results. They were only trying to encourage me by saying that math and physics are important that you got good marks. After about a year I found myself back in track.

We stayed in Tehran since then and 11 years passed very quickly. I was following my parents until then but from 2 year ago I began to move on my own and it is just so darn hard. First big decision was to move to Sweden to study; after a year I could stay in Sweden to do the thesis, but I chose to be adventurer so I moved to Canada. (Fool girl). Now I am here, and the thesis is done. I have the opportunity to stay here for PhD and work for NRC, which sounds awfully good from resume point of view. However, I have the thoughts of moving again. Once more, I should pack my life to go again to nowhere, where I know nobody, nothing. Start over again.

Moving is exciting but when you move alone, it becomes exhausting because you need to think about everything alone, minimizing expenses, canceling contracts, packing ( choosing what you want to take with you and what you want to throw away). You no longer find time to think about the interesting part of moving. Missing friends and getting alone again is another tough part of the moving.

Making some decisions are hard and risky. We move toward something that we believe it is the best but only after years we can hardly understand whether it was or not. Previously, I had another theory. I believed that both ways in front of us are happy ended no matter what you choose you’ll be fine if you are a man of being successful. Yet, now I believe that in some paths we are located in higher level of potential energy than the happy end. We can only slide easily on the path with no pausing inertia.

Fantasy

2006-05-27T17:25:00.000-03:00

I am planning to go to United States this summer. This is a multi purpose trip. The main purpose is to visit a potential employer, get to know him, the environment, the company and also have a formal job interview. It is both interesting and scary for me. I am not confident enough and I wish to have a strong supportive friend, who believes in me, would company me.

Although I am so excited to get this job, I know I am gonna have a hard time staying there for those few days. On the other hand, the second purpose of my trip which is to visit 4 friends keeps my heart warm. I had a fantasy of my stay with them(I still do).

I had written about my mysterious guy before. He was one of these 4 people that I wished to visit. Unfortunately, we haven't been talking much recently. I was busy, and so was he, yet I know it is not a good excuse. In fact, I feel he is not interested. Having said that although I kinda like him because he is so good looking to my eyes, I didn't put much effort to warm up the relationship. I think he is cold and it is a long way to get him on the line. Spending some time with him and getting to know him in person, trying to convince him to give me company to the state of interview, dreaming about arranging a driving trip to the destination were some parts of my US fantasy. I lost my motive and desire to prove my fantasy to be true. That doesn't mean I am upset or anything; I hardly get upset of something like this. This is life.

She is another part of my fantasy. She has been my classmate back home and I haven't seen her for almost two years. I wished I could stay with her at least for a day to say the story of the past two years that we hardly talked, to refresh the friendship. My bad luck is that she is going to another state in the other side of the country for internship. I guess I should wait some more years. I repeat that I am not upset whatsoever; I myself prayed for her to find a good internship or a job, whatever.

I still have dreams that keep me away from shortening my trip to a purely exhausting interview trip. It is a gift to have friends whose care and friendship is somehow independent to whatever you say, you do and you believe. I call it improved friendship, no misunderstanding.

I love my birthday

2006-05-16T21:59:00.000-03:00

It was my birthday last week. I didn't want to have a party but on Tuesday I woke up and realized that I do really want a party so I invited my friends and I baked a cake and Aazi cooked Lasangia. Here it was ... It was a big party and I asked my friends to buy Dancing shoes for me all together. It was a warm party in my new place; we danced, ate, drank and had lots of fun.

I think I am doing pretty well and have somehow moved on, but still on some occasions (like birthdays) I am screwed. In the party, I was dancing all the time and I was looking at my friends and I knew they like me, yet I still felt a big hole in my heart. I was desperately searching for those big eyes looking at me offering love. I got so used to that look and now I feel empty. I missed him deeply. In fact, not him but the feeling of being loved as a woman.
I loved him because he made me feel good; now that he doesn't, I want him headless. Happy Birthday, Unfaithful.

New place

2006-05-02T23:03:00.000-03:00

I moved to a new place. After visiting 20 places I chose one and now I don’t say I regret but still not satisfied.

Here is an apartment with three bedrooms and I share with two Canadian people: A girl almost the same age as me and a gigantic boy few years younger than me.

My bedroom is very nice; it has a big walk in closet and several drawers that I love, but the window has matte glass which I hate. It was covered by curtain when I first saw the place. The TV channels are fewer than my previous place, yet it’s not a big problem. The worst part is the bathroom. Oh god, I am so stupid with my choice. The bathroom sink has two taps. One is warm and the other is cold with two different exits. So I should burn or freeze, nothing in the middle. That really sucks. I hate all the British designers. The water pressure of the shower is low. Today, it took 15 minutes to wash my hair.

I have not yet talked that much with my roommates but I have good feelings about them. The girl is not talky which is a good point, and I saw the boy for the first time last night, and he came in and said hello and shared the most exciting event of his day with me. He didn’t even ask my name and neither did I, but still it was a warm introduction. I will write about them when I know more.

By the way, a good point of this new place is a hard double size bed. I am afraid not to be able to balance myself in single size bed later. I sure will fall down.

Look what I have

2006-04-26T19:22:00.000-03:00

The night before presentation, I was so terrified. The power point file was not working properly and I couldn't fix it. I had extremely lost my confidence and totally freaked out. I was not fluent talking about result part and it was 1 O'clock morning. Nothing could help me but the warm voice of a friend on the other end of the line, fixing my power point file patiently and reminding me some points, that I shouldn't have forgotten, to release my stress.

Tara gave me a nice gift :D I wished I had a graduation party with dress and hat but there will not be anything like that. At least, I have a gift that gives me the feeling of graduation. She is very kind. There are not so many people who can think of what makes other people happy.
In the presentation, there were lots of my friends but Reza Shahidi showed up which I didn't expect and it was sweet.
Magic is running around me; Have I asked from God? :D

Done

2006-04-25T12:06:00.000-03:00

I am done and It was great. I am very proud and satisfied. Thanks for all your prayers; I believe they worked for me.
I didn't forget any point and I was quite fluent, but a little nervous. I could hear my voice shaking but I tried to look happy. My supervisor didn't interrupt at all and at the end there were no tough questions and for those few questions he came to help me to answer. He was totally supportive.
He and Bob (my future PhD supervisor) gave me lots of compliments and they said that they are happy that I have decided to stay here to work with them. I did not mention that I haven't yet decided and I more like to find a job rather than PhD. I only smiled.
Anyways, I appreciate your wishes and positive energy.
I feel light
I feel free
I feel healthy
I am happy

Presentation, my both crucifixion and freedom day

2006-04-20T15:51:00.000-03:00

Finally, I am going to present my thesis on Tuesday next week at 10 O'clock morning, Newfoundland time. 6 hours difference with Tehran and 4:30 hours with Europe. I give these information for those who care and want to send me energy exactly at the time I am on the cross.
How should I dress up? Should I buy something for refreshment? I wish to blink an eye and suddenly it will be Wednesday. Ok, I know I am making a big deal of a half an hour presentation.

I want my parents and sister here for my presentation.

This commenting system is kind of stupid. I received a notifying email containing a comment on my blog. From the context I could not guess this comment is about which post, and it wasn't noted in the Email. Well, I found it on my first post after an hour searching; I am happy that my blog is a young one otherwise…? I would miss a comment ;)

When a girl is single, she should take so care of her behavior with boys. Whatever she says or does has no meaning but that she is interested in the guy. Never receive a guy who you are sure that he is not in your dreams of future, because how could they guess whether you are interested or not if you are good with them?? They have the right to think in any way. I want to get married because after that I can communicate with guys easier without getting scared of their thoughts. I like my boy friends more than girl friends. They are less complicated and straighter forward.

Conditioned Kimi

2006-04-16T18:35:00.000-03:00

Last night, I had a severe headache. Sometimes, I act very weak against any pain and I lose my patience and start to drop balls of tears, walking around the room, groaning and wriggling in pain. No way I can lie down and wait patiently until the medicine releases the pain. I used to awake my mum when the pain came to me in the middle of the night; she knew how to cure me. The most effective way was when she was caressing my forehead and saying prayers. Last night, I only did the prayer part. Sometimes, I am strong; no pain can make me miserable.

I thought of something last night. I used to recall my ex-boyfriend every time I see a perfect scene, a sweet smell, a sky full of stars or a complete moon, sunrise and sundown, a love song or any beauty. Now, I wept and had headache so much because of him that last night in the middle of the pain I recalled him. I am conditioned to pain as a reminder of him. God never make me a reminder of pain to anybody.

My cooking feats:

Today I cooked “Aash Maash” which is a kind of soup with chickling vetch. It was gorgeous (as my landlady said). Did you know that gorgeous can be used for a food? I didn’t know; I thought it can only be used for a cute guy. Btw, can it be?

A few days back I cooked “Zereshk polo ba morgh” which is barberry with rice and chicken. I forgot to add sugar in barberry and it was so sour. I never forget again.

I finally found fresh lamb shank in supermarket for the first time so you can guess that I had a very good dish of “baghali polo and mahiche” which is Limabean and rice with lamb. I don’t know why these Canadian people don’t eat lamb.

By the way, I had a haircut. I recommend the movie “Take the lead” to those who like ballroom dancing and Antonio Banderas. I enjoyed. For those who are not familiar with me I must say I got bored seeing Lord of the Ring and Harry potter and disgusted seeing King Kong. I know I know something is wrong with me.

Old diary

2006-04-11T17:32:00.000-03:00

Today, I had nothing to do, well, I had but I didn’t want to do. I am waiting for the response of my supervisors. I could practice my presentation and prepare my speech but I was lazy. Anyways, today is sunny and I am enjoying sun radiation on my neck and listening to my French songs which remind me nothing but my good times in Sweden and Denmark.

I have a big diary from when I was 18 and I wrote them in Persian in an editor under DOS and it was long time that I couldn’t manage to open them. The diary consists of my daily writings and also the emails I wrote to my old pen friends and the email I received from them. They are all well sorted with names but unfortunately without dates but I know that they were around a specific time when I started to be addicted to computer. Even now when I look at their names I don’t remember them unless I open and read what the letters was about.

A few days back, I saw an old friend online and I asked him if I can open those files and he gave me some suggestions; one of them worked. Now you can imagine how busy I am.

The sad thing that I noticed is that my life is repeating. I am making the same mistakes as I did when I was 20. I can exactly simulate my current friends and feelings with my old friends and feelings. I wish what happened to old ones never happen to current ones. I have to think how I can avoid.

I thought of typing my old diary gradually; I guess I have to make a Persian blog. Mm, it takes time and it is not that much valuable.

Postal Cards' result

2006-04-04T19:55:00.000-03:00

This year I sent New Year postal card to a few friends, mostly to new friends. This was a new act from me as well; I have never done that before. Well, it was successful because my friends became happy. The interesting part was their reactions.

One didn’t pay careful attention to what I wrote, only thanked me and didn’t send anything in return.

One read carefully, sent nothing in return, warmly appreciated.

One sent me an email of 15 lines of thanks and lots of appreciations and with an overreaction of giving me thousands of compliments which I cannot answer; finally made me regretful.

One didn’t receive because of the wrong address and after we discovered that, was not eager enough to pick it up.

One got it on time; informed me that it is received, including no thanks at the beginning and sent me a card and a package immediately. The card was Thank You card not Happy New Year card and with remonstrating me because of the words I wrote on the card.

Well, people are different and they are different with different people, so it is complicated. I think the way each of them reacted is a mixture of their character, their feeling for me and the feeling they believe I have for them. Not reading what I wrote or not sending me something in return does not mean to me that they didn’t care about me sometimes it means they are sure that they don’t need to prove that they care. Jumping into a right conclusion sometimes is hard for me.

Finally I received a real Eydi this year. Ofcourse, I am so happy and will keep it long like my life. The gift is the most clichéd gift possible. A pretty pretty crystal flower with a mirror. The boxes, ribbon and pocket have the same label as the flower has. I am gonna complain why the postal card is from Hallmark and not SWAROVSKI? The gift has much value for me and this label collection does not create extra credits.

Kimi's prayers (part I)

2006-04-04T18:17:00.000-03:00

May God damn this Orkut which keeps us updated about every thing.

God damn me that I cannot stop meddling.

God give a sight to blind people who hurt the others with no reason just because of their carelessness.

God help guys who don’t know their own taste. They love two completely opposite girls right after each other.

God set me free of the thought of revenge and lighten me with forgiveness.

God present my thesis instead of me.

God do magic for me.

Thank God for the creation of me the way I am. Free of any coquetry, no matter who likes who does not.

Thank God for the creation of Love. Even the dream of having it is sweet.

Spring Blizzard

2006-03-28T16:16:00.000-03:00

I hate this weather. It is completely intolerable for me. I don’t know how people could live here their lives. I cannot imagine wasting 4 years of my life studying PhD in this crazy weather. Hey, STOP snowing; I am sick of this cold crying sky. Here is a perfect place to exile criminals to suffer their lives.

I love Tehran

Scattered thoughts

2006-03-23T17:36:00.000-03:00

Happy new year to all my friends. I wish you all a healthy wealthy year :)

Mona

Well, the first New Year far from parents goes hard. Although we have perfect communication tools like webcam and voice, but I still miss their kisses and hugs. I could not help but cry. I did not receive any Eydi this year. I know my parents are going to give me something but nothing touchable in my hand right now. Not even a real postal card.

I have a new roommate. She is 23 from Greece. I like her. She is quiet and polite and I am a bad girl because I left her lonely all the time. I don’t know why I cannot stay at home.

If anybody knows anything about the state of Louisiana specially city Houma share with me please. Security, expenses, people and any special tip. I am about to give you a really good news :D

I have a new tiny cute guest in my mouth recently. You've guessed correct; I am having my third wisdom-tooth coming out of my gum. I am petting it every time to grow straight.

I am not a poet; I have hard time to understand poems, but I am so emotional tonight. I want to sing something to release myself. Alas, I am not gifted.

How much daydreaming is normal? I think I am going to excess.

This guy that I am recently talking to is mysterious. Now, it is a month, but he hasn’t yet opened his mouth to say something about himself. He is so patient; he is just listening to me. I am afraid I will run out of story very soon. I wouldn’t say he is not interested in me that he does not speak to me, but I think he doesn’t trust me at all. Why do I not need to trust someone to tell him/her my daily report , dreams and everything about me? Who and how can misuse this worthless information?

Liar Liar

2006-03-15T20:37:00.000-03:00

My officemate corrects my Emails to the companies I'm applying for job. This correction goes like this: He uses Ctrl+a following Del key, and then he writes all over again. Sometimes I need to use dictionary to understand what he wrote. Anyway, I did not get any answer from my low English letters but I got a few answers from his letters.
One of the companies asked me for references and then asked for a formal interview. I tried to explain him I cannot get into US easily, so he called me today. Not for an interview but to ask a few questions. Then he told me your English in your letters is so good and how long have you been here? I explained and I said thank you for your compliment but I don't think that it's good. "I do" he said.

Sometimes, there is no difference between hiding and lying.

Norouz and New Feelings

2006-03-13T16:24:00.000-03:00

It was a great party. Full of positive energy, happiness, delicious dishes, pretty girls and boys, kind curious people and everything I like. A big team work produced a well arranged ceremony. I’m very proud.

I looked pretty last night; many people told me, so I tried to believe it :D if I want to look through my dark glasses, I might say they found me desperate to hear “you look pretty” thing other than being really pretty. It’s pleasant for me to hear that but nobody can fool me.

A few days back, I thought of how much appearance is important for me and how much it affects me. I don’t know if I am a shallow, superficial observer person or it is natural. I should try to look at people more deeply. I think the start of having feelings for someone has something to do with his/her mien. I’ve always read in poetry and books that the lover always talks about the beauty of the beloved. They show that the lover sees nothing but beauty in his beloved. But I think it’s opposite; people start to love each other when they see the beauty of their partner (the beauties I said are related to appearance).

No need to consider it as a confession, every body knows that every single girl or guy notices the potential partners around them. I am not an exceptional. Since I became officially single, I met (talk to) several boys who could be a candidate. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get close to any of them. I thought maybe my heart’s gate is locked. Maybe I would never be able to love someone else. Maybe I still love him and not ready for the substitution, and lots of other stupid reasoning. None of them are valid. The valid answer is that I haven’t yet met the one. If I do, the previous sad story turns to be a joke. That’s what happened to my ex-partner and hopefully will happen to me. Although all my friends have continuously been telling me, I got this fact once I saw a close up picture of a recent friend with his wide smile exhibiting his big well arranged teeth. I just thought for a second that it is so easy to fall in love with this smile and I am truly capable. He is far away and I know almost nothing about him; he might not be the case but he reminded me my capability to love. My heart will beat again. I tasted it for a few seconds.

Dangerous Girl

2006-03-08T15:23:00.000-03:00

The system of this telephone card that I’m using now is stupid. First, they asked for my telephone number to use as an ID and then a password; you are signed up, miss. Now I can buy credits. They used their brain to solve the problem of inserting 11 digit PIN code and they came up with a brilliant idea. If you dial with the telephone number that you registered with as your ID, you don’t need to insert the PIN and it goes directly to your account. Now, it sucks for people like me who have no cell phone and no fixed private number. I gave my office number and I thought I can trust my officemates. Nobody calls with other people’s credit. It is not something that everybody can do. Well, I was wrong. He used about 3$ of my credit. It’s nothing but still makes me angry.

I know my father would say you should take care of your own money; don’t blame people. OK. I accept that; it was my fault. But it doesn’t mean that I should not go for revenge.

I have his telephone numbers is in my history. I’m gonna call the most frequent one and say: I’m calling from Memorial university and unfortunately we have a bad news for you. We found a body and there is no ID card but your number in his pocket; we would be very grateful if you can help us identify him.

I guess it will work. I can have my 3 bucks back.

Don’t worry, I’m not that crazy.

Buried Secrects

2006-03-07T12:51:00.000-03:00

Every couple has some secrets only between them. Deep feelings they have for each other and lots of verbal love communications which only they know the meaning. If one of them starts to deny and ignore the existence of those feelings, the other one could never prove anything. It’s like she goes to the moon alone and tries to explain to moon people that there exists life like this on the earth. I feel like that. The question is why I should prove anything, I should only forget.

I have been having a bad time over the past two days. The attack of painful memories put me in a situation with nonstop crying eyes, no control on my thoughts, no control on my words to people, no work efficiency, severe headache and pain in my thyroid which sometimes is like a stone in my throat. I noticed that this happens periodically without an exact reason; although this cycle is getting longer even longer than a month, but it still exists. It seems like after being so happy for a while I feel like I need to mourn so I make an excuse and get sucked to that mood. The bad mood was resonated after a hard discussion with a friend about another subject, and my poor friend who was bombarded by my anger. I was cruel but friends shall be able to guess my madness timetable. Last night, although I wasn’t better, but I was completely distracted from the main subject. That was a good point.

This morning I woke up with creepy touch of the moustache of my landlady’s grey 16 years old cat on my face, and awoke the entire neighborhood with a scream which made the cat jump half a meter. I should be more careful and close the door of my bedroom. Since my roommate left, I don’t care about the door as much.

Today, I’m fine. The blue mood is gone and I am me again. I will make it up to my friend. What I said was not far away from truth, but I made an exaggeration and delivered it in the worst way possible and at the worst time for both of us. I should have waited for a few months; transition times is not good for any activity.

Anyways, having friends is good. I want lots of them but I don’t want to attach to them or become very close to them cause there will always be a pain when you lose them. I distribute my stories between friends. I talk about my thesis with some, I talk about my feelings with some, I discuss about my problems and my future with some, I go to dancing with some, I play card with some, I have my lunch with some and I play volleyball with some; those who I only play v with them. And the apposite is true too; I don’t get involved with all my friends' stuff. I take one piece from each so they know that I care about them.

Friendships are complicated. It’s hard to create rules. As I tried so last night, I found it impossible. I have a friend who is special. It’s so easy to communicate with him. The speed of our conversation is more than the speed of my brain; he guesses the sentence I haven’t yet made. He is so hard working in friendship. He memorizes everything and never a repeating conversation happens unless I forgot. I love asking questions or consult with him; it feels like he sits on my place. On the other hand, it’s hard to be a good friend for such picky, careful and sagacious people with big memory.

I sent my thesis to Chalmers. It feels good; I smell the finishing day :D

Shall we speak out everytime we feel something?

2006-03-03T18:17:00.000-03:00

There was a guy back home; he was my first crush when I entered to school. We never spoke with each other those days and even I never managed to look at his face to see how he looks like. The only things I noticed about him were that he has a white skin; I thought he is blond, but my classmates disagreed; he is very funny; he is not a good student because he was one year upper than me but he had his Math I with us. He used to sit at the end of the class and never listen to the teacher. I start to be like him. I was sitting close to him and all my attention was focused on him and his funny comments. Then I ended up to pass Math I with 10 although I was accepted to university only by the power of my Math knowledge and score in entrance exam.
I couldn’t do any thing and I was supposed to see him with different girls every time. He turned to be a big pain for me and nothing else.
Anyways, I found out his birthday by plying a common friend with questions. I should wait about 9 months for his birthday to come, and then I had this chance to send a hello and wishes with his birthday excuse. Haha, childish dream :D During this time, it happened for me to go to a one day mountain climbing trip with a team of 15 people including him. I totally remember the sleepless night before the trip. Well, he was nice but not like the idol I’d made up in my brain. After that, we become a little friend, like sometimes we greet with each other. I become a little cold and I think he’d never noticed me.
I met another guy, 5 months before the birthday and he was really the one I was always looking for. He was smart, handsome, calm, kind and the most importantly he noticed my immediately. I start to have feelings for him but still in the same way of silence. I couldn’t express my feelings. It was so possible to lose this one as well, because I wasn’t the one who could start.
9 months passed and I was about to give the birth while I wasn’t eager for the result anymore. The only thing I wanted was that to send an email and say, hello, happy birthday, wish you the best and the only reason was the respect to that 9 months waiting.
I went to the computer lab that morning, while preparing my sentences. I opened my account and surprisingly I had an email from the new guy. Haven’t yet opened the email, my heart started to beat badly, because I had this torturing thought in the background that I’m cheating on my new feelings by paying attention to the previous dead feeling. Nothing was real; everything was in my own brain. I didn’t have relationship with none of them. What did that cheating mean?? Don’t know.
He wrote to me about his feelings, sweetest way possible on his Turkish way of talking. I gave him a mature answer which I’m still proud of even after 6 years. I left the computer lab full of joy and excitement; I totally forgot the reason I went there.
Today, I’m free again to send my wishes to the birthday boy in the anniversary of the first love letter I received. I’m happy.

Move out

2006-02-28T18:52:00.000-03:00

My roommate moved out. It's sad. I got used to him so much. Now, I like to move out too.

PS:

1) I'm looking for a poem for the top line of the acknowledgement of my report. A poem which shows my appreciation to God who helped me get this done. What I prayed for everyday. There are some verses from Hafez and Molavi that are so touching but when I see the translation it just sounds stupid and doesn't make sense. Any suggestions?

2) I wish I can find a job in a warm city of US. I think it helps my dream come true :)
I found lots of job opportunities which suit me more than anybody. I want one of them; why don't they answer my emails? shitty nationality.

3) We are going to have a big public party for Nowrooz in our school. We have some plans. Pouria is going to present a summery about Iran and its traditions. We will design a big 7-Seen table. Different Iranian dishes will be cooked. I'm supposed to cook Mirza ghasemi. We will have traditional persian music performance with violin by Farhood. We will have egg painting contest. Of course, Persian dancing will be held at the end :) I think it's gonna be a lot of fun. No one is going to sponsor this party. We are only 15 Iranians in st.john's so it's gonna be expensive for us but I believe it's worth it. I hope it won't go over 20 bucks per person. One idea was to sell tickets to people who want to attend but nobody agreed because it is far away from our culture to sell ticket to accept people in our party. We love our guests and we pay instead. Even we have to give them Eydi :D I would if I had Iranian new bills.

Ski

2006-02-26T09:46:00.000-03:00

I am so wondering about these Chinese people. It seems to me they have no sense about time, appointment, commitment, responsibility and so on.
There was a Ski trip arranged by 7 Chinese guys today. Yesterday, we had a horrible snow storm in St. John’s with more than half meter snow. Because of the wind, snow in some directions tend to have more than 2 meter height(e.g. in front of my house), and there was a warning for blizzard for today. They didn't cancel the trip and the appointment was 6:30 in the morning somewhere which is 20 mins walk far from my place. In the snow it took me 35 mins to get there and there were some other poor students and the trip canceled officially by telephone call not even with presence at 7 am. I don't really know what to say.
I don't like to discriminate people with their nationality. If I do so I wouldn't be in a good cultured group either. I'm just trying to give my experience. Never trust a fully Chinese organization. They will disappoint you.
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I know an exceptional one. There is a Chinese guy who seems to be the only person who cares about my thesis and report. I sent him the first draft of my report and asked him to revise it and he read all the report although he was very busy with his presentation and he made comments almost about every paragraph. I'm so thankful. He also gave a big compliment about my thesis which was sweet.
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Why people live here in this crazy weather. I cannot understand. They have no idea how life could be better in a good weather condition. It is insane to stay when they have other options which they mostly have.
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The day started with a raspberry, but an hour later sweetened with a simple note of a friend :D

O Canada, Why are you doing this?

2006-02-20T19:26:00.000-03:00

My parents had been planning to come to Canada during Norooz vacation for three weeks. Well it's cold here, but they don't have this much free time on summer, so the only time for traveling even to Canada is Norooz.

There should be an interview to assess the case if they have honor to enter their freezing country in winter.
My mother should stay out and they only interviewed with my father.

Questionnaire:

Why do you want to go there? Visit our daughters

What are they doing? Studying

Do they have monthly salary? Yes, they have scholarships.

Do you have any other family there? Yes, my wife’s niece. She is working in x-company.

Who is going to support you? I, myself; I have this much money in my bank account.

How long do you want to stay there? 3 weeks

We can not give you Visa permit. Sorry about that.

All the questions had been in the form they had filled. No matter what you answer, they only want to reject.

Last year I had been in Sweden; I was eating from my father’s pocket. I didn’t have any identification there and I invited them to Sweden and they got Visa easily and we had that great New Year together and they came back after three weeks.

I haven’t missed my parents, but when I remember it’s not possible if I want to see them or they want to see me, I feel like I’m in prison or they are in prison.

I don’t know how much it is worth to stay here. Heli is completely sure, but I still have doubt.

My mother was really sad; I know her; she is like me. She had been dreaming for a few months. She was trying to convince me that she is not sad, so she said: ”We can’t only come to see our children while there are some people in real prisons that they have been accused, hit and also they can not see their family.“

Cold water on the fire

2006-02-19T22:33:00.000-03:00

Another social dance party means a week full of waiting moments before and a week full of songs and moves review after.

Last night, we had an amazing night which I was enjoying seemingly too much. Most of my friends were around me who I believe they were the prettiest girls of the party; I was proud. I had a comfortable suitable dress on and I’d made up my face patiently. I took a light drink before the party, and I had this partner of mine beside me who looked good as well and could dance the way I like and make me dance the way I please. Everything was perfect. I am an easy-becoming-happy girl.

When ¾ time of the dancing party passed, he told me inattentively that I’m leaving with my friends. It was a pure notice, not even a question. The thing that he left is not important but the way he act seemed like nothing is less important than keeping your accompany, even going to a pub that can be happen anytime; He left me behind in the party without partner. This happened while I was thinking that’s a great luck for me that my partner is enjoying this dancing like me. He never hided his feeling, though I forgot the other side of the coin. He might fake his feeling. (This is what he reminded me).

This was offensive for me. I don’t think I’m expecting too much. We are not close friends; the only plan we have together is this one hour per week dancing class and two dancing parties in the whole semester. If he wants to prefer his friends even on this limited time, nothing would remain between us and I’m not gonna appreciate his friendship anymore.

A big freeze happened to me. I’m not reviewing any move or song of last night. I’m not excited to think about it but upset, so I guess I should sleep on it to decide how to react. It’s hard for me to give up dancing with him, yet I don’t want to stay in the position people could ignore me.

P.S. I have an evil eye on my own stuffs.

The most enjoyable job I did

2006-02-14T13:24:00.000-03:00

I'm wondering whether it's good to be forgetful or bad. It is usually considered as a negative adjective, sometimes as an insult, but honestly I think life without forgetfulness is hard. Forgetful people live without regret. They never notice that they have lost something.

It was three years ago; I had this Sea experiment course which was between the most interesting courses I had at my undergraduate. The idea was to build a model of a tanker vessel in 1/80 scale from wood by some available tools then test the model in a small pool. Here is the masterpiece of our team.

I love working with wood and making handicrafts that’s why I enjoyed this course. During the filing job, I decided to build a model on my own. Definitely a tanker wouldn’t be my choice. Even though it’s hard to make curves with wood but I didn’t like to make a boxy shape model. I, like most people, wish to have a sailing boat, if I cannot afford to have a real one at least I can afford to build a model. I searched all the journals and some websites to find a nice body plan; finally I picked one with my father’s help.

Valentine day does not exist in our culture (tradition). In fact having girl/boyfriend does not exist and married lovers usually celebrate their wedding anniversary. Recently, while being couple before marriage has being fashioned, valentine day has introduced itself.

When I am supposed to give a present to whom I like I always think about making something not buying. It can be because I am stingy, artist or romantic. On all the Valentines Day that I was in love, I made something very especial and time consuming.

It was between the examination of fall semester which I decided to make my sailing boat in 1/10 scale and I knew that Valentine Day is coming. I was like a girl with super power. No matter how much lessons I have I only wanted to work on my model. I went to the laboratory every time I could and I was feeling like it is the best time of my life. The most enjoyable job I did. I knew he would love it. It was like every piece of me screaming “I love you” at every time I rub the file on the model’s body. The laboratory assistant who was an old man was eager about the result as well. He helped me a lot. Once he told me I feel alive and young when I see you coming excited to work on your model. I thought he doesn’t even know what is going on inside me.
The body took about one month and the sailing two weeks (with his help) because it was thin and fragile. The Lab assistant made a structure as a stand for the boat. My mother sewed the sails three times because I was so picky. My father painted the boat. It looked really nice. I loved the result. Everybody liked it. The Lab assistant was chocked when he heard that it’s gonna be a gift. He said you will regret; I said don’t worry. It is not going so far away. (rahe doori nemire).

I’m wondering where she is now. She might be burned in the fire place or buried like all other memories.

Happy Valentine Day

Aashooraa

2006-02-07T20:28:00.000-03:00

I guess I am religious, although my Egyptian officemate laughed at me when I said so! It is funny. These sonni people accept easily that it is up to us to choose if we want to wear scarf or not. Even if a girl doesn't use scarf they won't consider her nonreligous but when it comes to prayers, if you don't do your daily prayers it definitely means you are not religious. The base is the same. Everything is cultural. We are both Muslim but we don't agree on anything about our religion.

I guess I am religious; I felt very bad when I read about these cartoons of Mohammad(s). I don't agree with any wild action against these silly people. Big people like Mohammad never get hurt because of the word of some idle people. I do believe in freedom of words. Ok, you are free, but why would you say something to hurt other people or insult them?? Is there something wrong with you? Go see a doctor. I don't see a big difference between those who kill others because of their beliefs and those who insult and belittle the others. Both are sick. The difference is in how bold they are.

I guess I am religious. some days I really miss Iran. One is Aashoora. It is not because I have always had fun on this day. Actually I have never had. One reason is that I feel we have something special on this day. A tradition that even it may not seem quite neat, it's ours. The other reason is that I feel if I want something from God there is a chance for me to ask it on this day. I know that I might be wrong but I may not be wrong either. I like to give it a shot every year :) I won’t lose anything doing that.

PS: What are the boundaries of being friends, caring friends or a couple?

Who is talking in my ears?

2006-02-02T17:44:00.000-03:00

Just brain storming; don't bother to read..

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Today, I have this haunting voice in the background of my scientific thoughts that keeps saying: You hadn’t got enough of me; you are gonna miss me buddy; neither had I and so am I.
Don't tell me that I'm over-confident, because it is not true. It is not me who talks.
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Sometimes I start to dissect my feelings and behaviors. The result is not so desirable. Recently, I realized that I have two powerful governors in me.
One of them consults with me when he wants to give an order to me. I have no problem with this one. The orders are a mixture of my emotions and logic, so they are sometimes hard but always acceptable. I'm fully aware of the process of the giving orders.
The other one is strange. He never gives orders. It is just that he makes me do whatever he wants without me noticing. If I don't examine my behavior I never notice that what I'm doing is the opposite of my beliefs and logic. There is no proof and reason for the act I do and I'm not aware of doing it. It is complicated.

Everybody knows the first one. I want to talk about the second more. Since this power pushes us to do some actions involuntarily, it reminded us of devil and the spirit of lasciviousness, but I believe that it is not always about sins. For some decisions we never refer to our brain. There is an automatic deciding mechanism inside us which I name personality, taste, quality, nature, temperament of us. The status of this mechanism could be genetic or caused by all the details of events and learning in our past
-------------------------------------------------------

I am a girl with some characteristics. I'm not fast, but I have endurance. I can jog endlessly but I can't run very fast; not even 100m. I am a good sticker to (do, keep, have) something. I hardly surrender anything. I get used to things I have, like my watch, my ring, my bag and so on. I feel like they have soul. I talk to them and caress them and thank them for helping me. When I was a kid I had a few dolls in my bed and every night I arranged them differently because I thought they might envy each other for being closer to or further from me. I could never accept a new doll and I was happy with my old dirty ones. Because of my father's job, we had a chance to live in several cities in Iran. First home that I remember was in Booshehr, and I exactly remember how much I was upset when we were leaving for Tehran when I was 6. After 5 years when we came back to visit I was then about to hit the boy who was living in our house. This happened again when we left Tehran for Anzali and again when we left Anzali for Tehran after 5 years. This time it was even harder because I was old enough to remember everything. Every change in my life has been very hard for me. I saw my sister that was unlike me. She has always been open for changes. I stick to everything; I don’t like changes.

I have feelings and prejudice for all my properties. I can't even change my perfume without a good reason or force. If I say I like this song I never say the opposite. Some other types of songs may become my favorites but the old song that I enjoyed still has its place in me. This is about everything in my life. I abide by my word. I am so committed to everything I say and I have. I keep papers, letters, pictures, gifts, memories, stuffs, ..

I did give up a few things in my life. First, I started to learn Flute but after a while I became disappointed. I still dream of playing my flute and really love to do it. I am ashamed of myself and would never forgive myself if I don't continue. The other thing is learning French; I haven't yet given up on it but I haven’t been putting much effort in it recently. When I remember how eager I was a few months back, I blame myself for being this lazy.
-------------------------------------------------------
I was wondering why I still think of him. In the real world, everything between us is finished. Logically, we were not suited at all. My brain says that it is a 100% failed project. My feeling says that he betrayed our love, so there will be no other chance for him in my life; ever.
There should be another power running me instead of my brain, feelings, logic and facts that make me think of him.

------------------------------------------------------
There is a strong tendency inside me that doesn't want to accept the changes. Pushes me to keep the previous feelings I had. It doesn't let me to believe the fact that I don't love him anymore. Doesn’t let me to break myself to confess I was wrong. No way I can say that I loved him, and now I don't. It keeps saying to me that if you do so, I'll never trust your heart beat again. You are such a weak girl who changed her mind in the first storm. He changed his mind but it has nothing to do with you. You should have thought about it when you were constantly saying I love you I want you.. . I am biased about what I have, and what I say. I can't go back on my word. Even with the price of my life.

This ruler, who I can call brainless lawless dictator conscience, is picking on me, and intriguing me to stand strong on my statement and to never give up. It tells me you’ll be proud after 30 years to say I was in love, and I’m in love and I’ll be in love with him forever.

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My brain says go to hell, you stupid girl.

First draft

2006-01-29T18:18:00.000-03:00

I am worried. Tonight, I'm going to send the report file to my supervisor. I feel like everything in my life is depending on this report somehow. I wanted it to be so perfect and now I don't even have the confident to say it is good.
I tried to get help from some friends to correct English problem part but I still don't think it looks like a scientific report.
The first effect of the report on my supervisor has direct relationship to my admission for PhD program. I'm scared and feel so lonely. It is like the judgement day that we were taught in our highschool that nobody can do anything for you and you are alone with your actions. Even my mother who has always been supportive cannot do anything for me in this situation.

Wish me luck.

Dance with me; Make me sway

2006-01-26T17:01:00.000-03:00

While rephrasing stolen sentences from other thesis which is exhausting and dead slow, I'm thrilled thinking about dance class which starts tonight. I have a lot of friends this time around me in dancing class and I guess we are going to share our partners which makes dance class to be more fun. I've got my ex-officemate as my partner means no more songs without dancing. I still don't have shoes with heels. :) Who remembers my birthday? ;)

I sent my resume to a company in a warm city in US for their job opportunities. It's more close to a dream than reality to be employed there. To what if? ... salud :D

I completely freaked out when I heard he pierced his left ear. Even now that I'm writing I feel my hairs are upright. Am I biased? I can't take it. He is 3 years younger than me and he can surprise me this much with this new world; What would I do with my children that seems to be more than 30 years younger than me? They are going to be so under pressure or kill me instead, if I continue this way of thinking. Easy to say accept and respect people's tastes and wishes but when something like this happens you just realize that you can not look at him like before, although he still has his qualities.
P.S: At least it is not his right ear.

The annoying project

2006-01-17T18:29:00.000-03:00

I think it's the time to get anxious and work harder. Why am I like this? I rest, relax and work slowly; I put everything prior to my job, then when the deadline comes I can't sleep because I feel uneasy, and I even dream of my project and problems, so no good rest during the night.

Finally, I start to write what I have done over the past five months. I tried to be super organized, but now that I've started writing I realize that I have lost some references and files. In every project, there are new experiences. Should I like to become a professional researcher, I must start writing simultaneously with doing research.

I spend more time on checking the word count than writing itself, and just like when I was in highschool, in the middle of writing, I do dream of the minute I'm done with my presentation.

22 pages so far :D

Choose one, no other chance.

2006-01-07T22:11:00.000-03:00

If I offer you two friends with below characteristics and force you to choose one, what would you do?

Assume that these two have almost the same background and level of life and success. Just they show off their life differently.

I) One is always happy; She often smiles and seems to be completely pleased with herself. Best things always happen to her, and she enjoys the smallest thing. You never find her dissatisfied of what she has chosen herself. Even when she has lost something, she behaves like nothing bad has happened, and she hasn't ran short of luck, knowledge, money or friend. A dare, proud, cheeky mouse with lion appearance.
She makes you feel jealous to her. After you see her, you feel sorry for yourself.

II) Opposite. Generally dissatisfied. She always guesses that she will get the worst mark in the exam. She has never studied enough. Nothing special never happens to her. She never loves somebody completely. There is always something missing in her partner. She always has the worst luck in the world. There has always been other places better than where she goes. Every time you talk to her, you feel sorry for her and you try to be sympathetic.

P.S: Girls must read the post with male pronouns :)

Tonight, Wedding night

2006-01-02T23:57:00.000-03:00

I'm going crazy tonight. I don't know if these days will pass without me hurting myself or curse be-hated guilty people who are laughing heartily and dancing tonight.
I can't help this governing outrage with deep internal sadness in me. No way this is a fair incident? I haven't been able to solve this dilemma after more than 6 months. The picture of them being together is modified now. It's clear; They are hardly suited; He has a fake smile. Now, after the wedding, an intimate picture of them has been added to my painful album: still unbelievable. I have never been so much dull in understanding someone's feelings, specially the one that I always thought of as my soul mate.
Same time last year I could have sworn to The Book that he would never do anything to hurt me; this year, I don't believe in any Book.
Last night, he showed up in my dream with indifferent eyes and told me it's done. I couldn't imagine him looking at me indifferently, but I saw him. He doesn't think of me. He doesn't think of me. He doesn't think of me. This is my homework tonight to write this sentence 10 pages; It helps me believe it.
I remember myself coming out of a cinema with big, red, swollen eyes and runny nose after watching the movie "Leila".
Hani said you'll be fine from on. You are disconnected from him after tonight, and here is the new life for you.

I would like to mention a quote from Nader Ebrahimi:
نفرين بی ريا ترين پيام آور درماندگيست
Curse is the most sincere messenger of helplessness.
(Other translations are appreciated)

Recent days

2005-12-23T01:38:00.000-03:00

I have been busy these recent days; I couldn't even open my blog to see what is going on; now that I'm not that much busy, I have a lot of subjects in my brain to write about; every subject must be written once it came; after days, it will be outdated.

I was making a weblog for a friend. He has been a good friend of mine back home who made a very lovely album for me full of my friends' notes and pictures when I left Iran 18 months ago to Sweden. The album is the sweetest gift I have ever received, and it's like my holy bible which whenever I feel weak and low self-confident, I go directly to it to review the nice sentences that my friends wrote about me, and become as strong as possible :)
This friend came to Canada last week, and I was thinking how I can do something for him when I am this much far. I thought that I can make a community in Orkut, and let his friends to make notes for him, but the problem was that the Orkut is blocked in Iran. Finally, his brother came up with a genius idea of making a blog for him. Then, I start to make it. His brother and his close friend have been responsible for finding his friends, and I was responsible to type or add the notes and pictures in blog. I think the result was very nice. I liked it although all the time I had this bad feeling bothering me that he is not gonna appreciate it that much. I don't know why. Maybe because I was thinking that the idea was a stolen idea of him, but everybody knows that wherever the idea came from, it doesn't matter; the result is gonna be so sweet; cause it's about friends and friendship.

I don't like to travel alone. Alright, if nobody wants to accompany, at least buy me a laptop, then I promise I wouldn't feel any pain when the flight has 3 hours delay. Actually, I like a Laptop better than you as my company. Now, listen to my sister's version. I like to travel alone. Alright, if you want to go with me, that's ok, but at least don't make me to carry my laptop in a long trip. I can not walk around because It's heavy; I can not sleep because this damn laptop might be stolen. It's obvious that we are from the same family.

I missed seeing buildings and traffics and people. Now, that I'm in a city as big as home city, I feel regret to live in a village.

I saw my sister's boyfriend for the first time. He is a tall, smart, extremely funny Russian guy who pronounces most of the "TH" as "Z". I liked him. I was always wondering how my sister feels about my boyfriend. Now, I can imagine that how much she could like him. It's very nice to see loving couple and even more nice when one of them is your dear. I felt very close to him, like I know him for a long time. I can trust him, like him and enjoy being with him as well. It's easy.

I enjoyed seeing my Badminton playing partners when they all had their green name-sewn Christmas gift T-shirt on in the last game of 2005. I liked them, but it was sad for me that I knew this is my closest distance to them, and it's the end for me and them. Friendship is sometimes so hard. There are some people that you can not get close to them whatever you do, and you clearly see that the friendship has no depth, no cares running around. There are simple needs that keep you close to them, and you will lose them instantly when the need is gone.

I missed my friends' weblogs.

Swindling

2005-12-16T12:27:00.000-03:00

I planned to go to Toronto for Christmas holidays. For the first time in my life I programmed my trip 2 months sooner to get better fare. I went to an agency mid October to buy the ticket.
She checked all the possibilities, and she gave me Three prices which was 520$, 480$ and 430$ which was in 21 December. I wished to go to Toronto a little later like 23th, but I chose the last one because of the price. I was completely happy with my ticket.
Why I went to agency? I didn't have credit card on that time. Why I didn't ask friends? I don't know.

Today, a friend checked the fares for that date. There is a direct flight to Toronto 80$ less than my ticket which has stop on Halifax. Then, we discovered that 30$ is the difference between flights and travel agency has charged me 50$ which is about 12% of the ticket price.

This is a combination of my stupidity and their charlatan(ity). I'm not stingy or maybe I am, but I always feel very angry when I could reduce my expenses somehow, but I didn't for some reasons.

I think they should have told me that they are extra charging me. They just said that the price is 430$ they didn't mention 50 bucks is because you don't have credit card. Normally, they are supposed to give the costumer the details of the costs before getting money. It is the last time I went there, and I do my best to guide people around me not go there. A business which can keep any costumer just for once shall not survive long.

Values with no demander(Part 2)

2005-12-08T19:44:00.000-03:00

Theory
Sex is allowed once you fall in love with someone, and it is a void behavior without love even for people who are just married, and still don't have feelings for each other, the same way prostitution is(this kind of marriage is still common in Iran even for educated but drowned-in-traditions group of people).
Contradicting examples
1) I had been loving someone who I could not think of having sex with. The thing is that he was made for something else. He was very pleasant to be with, anywhere, anytime. It would be a happy life resting beside him until eternity. In the end, I convinced myself that it was not love; it was just a nice friendly feeling, and I let it go.
2) There was a guy who I can say was just a friend for particular selfish reasons. I didn't even care about him that much. He was the kind of friend that I was sure I'd be in contact with as long as I needed him. He surely did feel the same, yet I noticed that sometimes I have felt a strong sexual attraction to him. Well, where does this feeling come from? Is it possible to make love, when there is no love? It is a shame. In the end, I even avoid the advantage of having him as a friend cause I cannot stop this crazy thought of mine. I keep my distance faaar ...
Conclusion
Both items made me think that maybe there is no relation between love and sex. Why do I force myself to combine them together to make the latter legitimate?
--------------------------------------------

Values with no demander(Part 1)

2005-12-08T19:35:00.000-03:00

Background
Me, like lots of Iranian girls affected (infected) by culture, society or religion, think about sex as an embarrassing, so private, spiritual, holy and altra romantic phenomenon. Besides our religious law book, we do have lots of other rules and restrictions in our brain about this simple subject. Should I explain my feeling, my beliefs and my status regarding sex to my foreign boyfriend, I would rather stay single forever.
Problem
The new version of my own law book is out now, but I'm still thinking about changing some verses cause even I can not explain and support my own rules. I'm completely confused. What should be my strategy? What is right, and what is wrong? I'm 25, and I still don't know which side I'm in. This is sad.
Solution
It seems that I should give up on my unsupported opinion, and confess that I fought for something that now turns to be a disease instead of a valuable belief. It's a pain.

Chameleon

2005-12-06T15:29:00.000-03:00

Chameleon

You must have been a chameleon in your previous life. How could possibly one change his color this much?

Look at him; He is so look like you: frightened, hidden, tractable, bent, almost nothing.

Hongbin

2005-12-04T14:13:00.000-03:00

He is my roommate.
He always smiles.
He is very generous.
He is Kind.
He is polite.
He never comes to my room.
He is a good companion.
He plays good badminton, and he is calm when I'm his messing-up partner.
He never complains.
He cooks well.
He always let me choose the TV channel.
He listens to me.
He remembers what I like him to remember.
He is an easy-to-share-with person.
He is handsome.
I like him when he talks with his parents at night.
He is a nice kid.
His future wife is a lucky girl.
I go to school everyday; He doesn't keep any part of my brain busy, but at the end of the day I'm happy to go home to see him, chat a little bit and relax. What else can one wish for her roommate to be?
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Sometimes, I think that having feelings for someone destroys your time and work efficiency and all the things that are about your personal life. In fact, When you start to love someone you start to sacrifice your independence to keep your love. It seems impossible to avoid this consequence. Maybe It's better to give up dreaming about Love and start living based on logic not feelings. I wish I'm wrong cause I experienced being a superwoman with the strength of love that didn't last long.

Encouragement

2005-12-02T13:10:00.000-03:00

Yesterday, I received a personal Email from my English teacher. She just sent an Email to let me know that I've got the best mark in the exam, and she is proud of me.
This course doesn't have any credit; it is just fail-pass course, and even I didn't need to pass it because I was attending voluntarily. The result definitely didn't have any importance; however, the Email was so sweet. It doesn't matter how old are you, a little girl or a lady; in which level you are studying, Pre-school or graduate school; how important is the course,nil or high; in all cases an encouragement keeps you alive and gives you joyfulness.

Inconvenience of Articles

2005-11-28T19:57:00.000-03:00

I dislike Articles.
I'm rather inept in using Articles. I'm sure everybody has noticed so far.
There is no rule, and I don't have the sense of choosing correct articles.
Does Persian have the same problem as English in articles? Nothing would happen if the Englishmen eliminate these tiny useless words.

I'm looking for the power ..

2005-11-27T17:01:00.000-03:00

Background

My mother's family had a maidservant (lale) whose name was Sakineh. I never saw her, she died before I was born. Grandma always used to say that whenever something was lost at home, Sakineh was the only one who could find it. After she died, mom and grandma always say prayers (Faatehe) for her when they lose something and instantly they find it. I learned from them, and I do the same. I've done this all the time since I was a little girl.

I don't have lots of properties but I love those that are really mine. Without them I feel I've lost something. I have a very thin gold necklace with the smallest golden anchor that can be made hanging on my chain. The chain is a love keepsake and I got the anchor from mom and it is so going with me. :)

Today, after shower, I was closing my necklace around my neck, and I was thinking that I have to give up this chain somehow, because it seems that I carry his memory everyday with me hanging around my neck. It keeps me connected to him. However, I did not do that. I probably haven't been strong enough.

One hour later, I found my chain disjointed, and my anchor was fallen. I felt extremely sad. Since my anchor was lost, I didn't care about the torn beloved chain. I was just wishing the anchor to be found. I searched every where in the house, no anchor. Suddenly, I remembered Sakineh, and I start to say prayers. After 1 minute, my roommate found my tiny anchor in the stairs.

Main statement

I'm looking for the power that makes things happen. Do my thoughts or my believes have any effect of that power? Sometimes, I feel that my thoughts are ahead of time or if it is not, I would say that my thoughts change the future. I have a strong belief that every thing that happens is connected to each other somehow. Nothing happens independently. I'm wondering of this power which I know that I'm a small unit of that.

Conclusion

Every night before sleep, I pray to God to help me to go through my problem. He (God) gave me the vision to see ways that I can get rid of him, and when he saw my weakness, he made it simple for me instantly.

Another way of looking is that the chain was going to be torn; I knew that ahead of time inside that's why I thought about giving it up. (What is TIME?)

I have had things that I lost and they have never been found but when I lost them I didn't remember that I can do prayers for Sakineh to find them, so, I knew that the anchor will be found that's why I remembered to say prayers (I'm ahead of time) or I didn't know it, but my prayers made it to be found.

Eating flowers

2005-11-25T17:43:00.000-03:00

Tea
I asked him if I can try his tea, and he made a special one for Kimi. There were some green sweet-smelling leaves and 3 white pretty flowers in hot water. It wasn't a strong tea and I liked it. I was preparing myself to tell him it was a nice tea but just "Delam nemiyoomad golaye be oon khoshgeli ro bokhoram". I didn't know how I can say this sentence in English.

I can't bear to eat such beautiful flowers.. mm it seems it has negative load.

My heart can't take it to eat such... It is good, It is a little romantic.

How could you eat such.. ? A little aggressive

I felt like a cow when I was eating such beautiful flowers. Very rude

Finally, I didn't say anything, but he did say something unfortunately. He said: "Did you eat the flowers? (surprised) :o "

I felt embarrassed; I thanked God that I didn't say those stupid sentences.

Dilemma

2005-11-21T15:12:00.000-03:00

Sometimes, it is difficult for me to understand some texts. I can't get the gist of them, and where they took their rise in. They are vague and too complicated for me to comprehend.

These are the possibilities:

Low self-confidence: I'm a shallow person; I am not able to understand deep subjects. Solution: Read more books and improve my comprehension ability.

Inevitable possibility: After years of studying engineering, I become a digital person. I just can feel and understand touchable and visible ideas. I'm blind to see all the colors, the only colors that I can recognize is Black and white. Solution: Communicate with people from other branch of science. Talk with them and ask for their perspective about different subjects;

Self-confident: A friend of mine is a poet. She says "new poems". I was reading her poem 10 times, and I didn't understand it. It was just beautiful words following each other with no meaning. I don't know Persian or those words really doesn't have meanings. I saw some people admired her. I believed that they didn't understand either, but they haven't been as honest as me. Neither was the poet; I bet. This can also be true for those texts that I don't understand. Solution : Stay honest and don't care if you don't understand something.

Selfish: I believe that the art is to write a complicated subject in the way that most people could understand, then why some people turn the bit around their neck to put in their mouth? If I don't understand it shows the weakness of writing. Solution: Ask them to explain you how it feels to say things with implication. Problem: What if they implied the answer either? ;)

Slur over: It doesn't matter you understand the same meaning that author was thinking about. The goal is to get something from every texts. Each person has his own point of view. Even if you don't understand anything it doesn't mean that this is meaningless; it means that you don't have common feeling with writer; that's all, and it is not a big deal.

3 comments

2005-11-18T15:36:00.000-03:00

1) It was more than good; we danced about 3 hours continuously. It was so fun. I can't explain my feeling :)

2) One of my contacts disappeared from my yahoo messenger list. I'm sure I didn't delete it. How come? I know even if the owner ignores me the name will stay in my list but always offline.

3) I used to be a self-confident girl. I know that I had been a girl with good communication ability, and I would say that I had the power to arrange and gather bunch of people around me. Some of my friends always told me that you have to be a manager. Gradually, I lost my ability; I don't know why.
Sometimes, I think that being an active girl who talks a lot and make noises in every group, the one who makes people to notice her is the characteristic of a young immature girl. Since I'm already 25.5 It's obvious that I should not be like that.
Sometimes, I think this happened because I changed my communication language. I'm not able to say everything I want and to maintain my special verbal ability. However, this can not be completely true because I have been changed even with my Iranian friends.
Why I started to say that?
Some weeks ago I went to downtown with some of my friends. Mostly, I don't like to drink but that night I feel like to take some beers. I took just two and I was completely sober, yet I felt some changes in my behavior. I was looking at myself that I'm back to the girl I used to be. I was easily talking in English and Persian. I wasn't scared of saying something stupid. A feeling like It's me, It's Kimia and I'm proud of myself. No shame no low self-confidence anymore. I could present myself as I really am not as a recent shy girl. I liked myself.

Now, I can not drink always to be Kimia. I have to destroy the obstacles. First, I need to recognize them.

Giving presents to ourselves

2005-11-17T14:59:00.000-03:00

Today, I'm in good mood with hope and energy. I can guess the reason is Formal dinner and dance which in tomorrow night. Although I wished I had a pair of shoes with heel, I'm still so waiting for tomorrow to come, and don't pass.
If I want to enjoy my working I should give myself presents and hope to have fun after work. Like the days that I have booked badminton court at night I work better. I have to think about things that make me feel good. Since I'm not enjoying studying I have to satisfy myself in other ways. One activity that I can think of is handicrafts. I can continue making things with wood. I have the chance to live in a house which is good equipped; It will be far better than Sweden without even a saw :) I have to start making my own models. I wished I had taken some pictures of previous models before giving them up :)
Any other idea of different activities are appreciated :)

Discharging

2005-11-12T17:32:00.000-03:00

My heart was beating like drums of mourning group for Emam hossein. I felt It might come out of my chest. I'm sure my officemate was hearing easily. It took a few seconds for me to find myself back to the situation. He wrote: alo..
Finally we talked after 5 months.
I start to belittle him so badly and he was calm like always. Weak in conversation and he backed off quickly. I love the way he is;not because I win every discussions but because after any conversation I feel empty and he is like a God for me that accepts and listens to all my accusations and bad words and he never says bad words in return. It is just like he is watching a little crying girl and after she finished shouting he starts to caressing her, and then she forgot everything in a second. He has always been like this. He knows exactly how to manipulate me.
He is my man. He made a big big mistake this time.
Although he gave me enough time to destroy him but there are a few things that I didn't mentioned.

1) I want to tell him that I did want to leave you, but you haven't been strong enough to live without me. Once in the first year, I do exactly remember that we decided to separate and after one day (1 day) you came to me and asked me to delay. You said " I'm not ready for this now ".
Next time in fourth year I gathered all my strength to leave you. Although it was so hard for me I never broke our agreement but you have been such a weak boy that you came back again.
The last time that was a good chance for me it was the worst situation for you that I didn't want to be so cruel with you. Cause I left to a new place it was easier for me to move on but you were in the same place with all the memories and alone. So I decided to keep my relationship until better chance. I don't deny that I needed you either but I had proved to be stronger than you.
So please do not say that you did this to me because you thought that I will never leave you. Look what you did to me. It could not be worst than this.

2) You didn't say Thank you to me. You owe me a lot. I carried all the burden alone, without making any sound to disturb your fatal decision. I respected you more that anybody. Go search around the world find somebody who respects you this much, and let me know if you succeed.

3) I was reading your previous writings there was a post with the name of first recalcitrance against love. Just want to mention this is your second time and I'm seeing third is coming.. Take care ..

4) I do appreciate that you came to talk to me even though you knew that you will be condemned. It proved that you have a tiny brave heart.

I loved you last night. Now I believe in myself. I know What I mean when I say I love you. This is inside and it doesn't matter if you love me or not.

PS: I said yesterday that I'm ready to sell my soul to know what he feels; do you think if the Lord has taken my soul? I want my soul back ..

To my sister

2005-11-12T17:28:00.000-03:00

Dorfak

Who has always been supportive for me.
Happy birthday

mona

He took my breath away

2005-11-10T16:54:00.000-03:00

Chris de burghe

Have you ever experienced a fantastic and a disastrous night at the same time? Last night was my Dreamlike concert . First I was excited to see him; when he came I was astonished, moveless and almost dead. This was the fantastic part, very good feeling to see your dream came true. Once he started to sing I realized that I should have never come to this concert alone. I felt terrible. His voice took me to the world that I've been running away from for 5 months. His words awake my heart from my forgetfulness dream. The songs set the fire on again. What am I doing here? Where is he? What is this feeling? Why am I so burning? What tears us apart? I wanted him so badly; I wanted my days back so badly. Last night, I had the strength to scream out loud enough to reach to Netherlands to say I miss you, while he was singing " Carry me like a fire in your heart". Believe me something is wrong. This is not the way it is supposed to be. This is not what I deserved. I cried last night even more deeply than when I cried for grandma. I felt my heart is pressed. I couldn't breathe. I was about sobbing. I couldn't help it.

I know something, every time that I feel so terrible and helpless it's like I'm losing a skin of my body. I'll have a bad time with lots of tears but after I feel lighter. It's like I've lost a layer of his love. I'm wondering how many layers does this have and how long it will take to get over. It tires me.

If tomorrow comes, something which does not exist now will be 6 years old. Should I celebrate? Should I mourn? I sell my soul to know what he feels. It's hard to live with a big question, why this happened to us? Do you believe in magic? I believed ..

PS: Long and boring; I know. You don't need to comment on this.

Grillage test

2005-11-08T20:09:00.000-03:00

I thought it's just in Iran that they do nothing and they think they have done something. They show off that they are doing something important but if you go a little inside you'll find that there is no logic for input data, the instrument are not working properly, the operator doesn't know how to work with software, the output data format is unknown for everybody, the tolerances are bigger than the units they are dealing with, the results are rough. They conclude their own opinion instead of experiment result. Why this much money, time and energy is being used??? Nobody knows, nobody think about that as long as they are paid. Like me.

Grandma

2005-11-06T19:27:00.000-03:00

Mamani

We call her mamani.
She gave me a certain and intense love; a love without stint and expectation, without excuse and reason;nothing could ever threat it.
She prayed for me until I got what I wanted
She taught me how to know time
She taught me how to keep my expenses
She taught me how to do a job perfect
She taught me how to cook Kaakaa
She taught me how to be strong, how to keep secrets to avoid hurting the others.
She used to say I am so pretty
She was open minded
She knew what is valuable in life
She did not teach me how to express my appreciation to her
She did not teach me how to see how much I need her in this world

But now being without her taught me how to express my appreciation to my parents, and thank god for every second of their good health.

Compliment to girls

2005-11-04T12:17:00.000-03:00

He gives me compliments continuously. First he said your hair is so curly; have you done this to your hair or it's natural? I said no it's natural and I hate this; he said I think it's nice.
Then, one day I had a girly shirt on(in contrast with all my clothes which are simple), he said vow you look so pretty today. Next one, we were having lunch in common kitchen, he said you eat so elegant( he should see me when I was eating chicken leg using my hands the other day). After that, one day surprisingly he said your eyes is big and beautiful( surprised cause my eyes are not so big but he must have compared with Chinese eyes;)

Finally, I'm going to social dance party with him.

I'm not a silly girl who just likes to hear compliment, I know what I'm doing but it's true that I have lost my selfconfidence so badly during last 4 months. He gives me confidence.
I seems he knows how to deal with girls, but he has no idea who he is dealing with this time.

Ask from mirror

2005-11-03T17:11:00.000-03:00

It is my third time that I start to write a letter to Jumbo to ask a question and suddenly when I was writing I found my answer. This is really a good way; when you force yourself to write your question and explain it in the best way for somebody, you will realize that you know your answer but you have not just noticed.
The worst thing is that when you ask for an appointment with your supervisor and once you are explaining your problem you will understand the answer plus the stupidity of your question.

If you have a problem, explain it to mirror once, before you make a fool of yourself.

English

2005-11-01T16:20:00.000-03:00

I'm taking an English course but just for writing. We write essays, and she corrects. I had 61 mistakes in 347 words. It is terrible. I can not write even one correct sentence. I was talking with my friends and my landlady easily, and they understood, and I thought, hey here we go, I'm so good. Now, I know they have just understood, but all must have been wrong understandable sentences. This is embarrassing. ( Is that correct?? :o )

Notice

2005-10-30T16:41:00.000-03:00

I'm not a touchy-feely girl. It means I don't touch anybody without reason, and I hate to be touched. Keep your distance. How can I explain this to people? Is it very rude to say to a kind boy who just want to dance with you, and take care of you for some hours to let your hand? I know you might think I'm Parvenu but forgive me it's running me crazy.

Savior

2005-10-28T18:36:00.000-03:00

Have you ever been stuck in mud like a donkey for a week, and suddenly someone appeared, without calling him, and move you out easily only with using his smallest finger?

Thank God, I know you haven't forgotten me. :D

PS: Send me some more angels, s'il vous plaît.

Jive

2005-10-28T09:09:00.001-03:00

The best part of Ballroom and Latin dance is that every decision in selecting different features of dance is completely up to man. He will choose and lead the woman every where he wants. This makes dancing for women very relaxing without brain working. It's so easy to dance with a man who knows dancing. The key is just hanging loosely in him; it's his job to take you with him.
Is that a simple image of real life? Maybe I did something wrong; I must have led my partner more that usual!
NO.. NO I can not trust in tiny brain men. I know; once I stop thinking and managing them they definitely ruin everything. That's what I did last summer. See the result.

Criticism

2005-10-27T10:16:00.000-03:00

The only reader of my 5hip, which it's me, criticized this weblog. She said why all the posts are about him? Don't you have any thing else in your life to write about?
You are getting lots of experiences everyday in this new place, and I'm sure you can more interesting stuffs than these junks. You have to be ashamed of your thoughts. Would you like someone think and write about your husband? You must think of her. She is innocent.
Although I completely respect her, but I told her that I do have a lot of things to write but the only reason that I made this weblog( Except practicing English) is that to say my words those I don't have anybody to listen. I'm tired of repeating these discussions with myself. I had to find a way to get rid of them and I found this way to be useful not completely but almost. I don't want to say my mum; She'll be sad. I don't want to tell my friends here; I will lose my pride. I don't want to tell my close friends; they will be sad and they probably suggest nonuse ideas because they have no idea I'm drowning in which kind of hell.
The truth is I'm thinking about him every second so if I want to write my thoughts nothing can overtake him . In addition, I don't blame myself to think about her husband; I believe that he is mine. Although she is innocent but she is stupid. I would never accept someone as my husband just in 2 months when I know that he has been with someone else for 5 years until the day before I met him. This can happen only if the girl is so desperate to find a husband. I know I don't have the right to think about other peoples properties but believe me that if she knew about me, she did bad to me. This is not a good way to be happy. She might not know about me; That would be Ok for her. I think he probably said to her ( to be honest) I had a girl for some times, and I liked her but we haven't been matched, and last year she left me and went to Sweden, and it's one year that it's over. Now, I forgot her and I want to make a new life with you. This is definitely a lie.

After our discussion about her Criticism, I guess she was not satisfied. I could see in her eyes that she thinks I'm a silly girl. Also, I know from inside that I just made excuses. I have to move on. But how?

PS: Hani told me to write in paper with red pen, and then burn them. It seems good Idea; I don't know if I do that.